Single Parents

[asli_badmash]

It is an accepted fact that you need a father and a mother to raise a child. And I understand the child development isnt complete without either mom or Dad. But what if your circumstances are such that you cant get togather with the opposite sex to make a baby. May be relationship constraints.. maybe time constraints limit your choices... or maybe you are GAY.



More and more men/woman these days are going in for "Biological Fathers/mothers" and baby dadies/mamas.



Would you be willing to be a Single Parent ? Pros and Cons?



~badmash~

[CtrlAltDel]

Would you be willing to be a Single Parent ? Pros and Cons?

personally i feel single parents' children wont have the same wholesome environment to grow in, compared to kids of a traditional mom-dad family.

its not to say that the single parent cannot bring up kids, but its a lot easier n better to share kid's development with spouse. a kid needs both mom n dad at different times of his/her life. both the parents have their own roles to play and its difficult for a single parent to manage all these.

boys may be closer to moms n gals closer to dads, but boys need a role model in the form of a proper DAD and gals need a proper MOM at certain stages of their life.

in certain circumstances single parentage is forced, say after death of spouse or divorce. many parents who faced such 'forced' single status have brot up kids successfully but not without problems. even paying proper attention to kids becomes a problem for single parents who have to handle careers too.

at best single parents can try to remarry for the children's sake. if they are not interested in this, they should take the help of a family elder of the opposite sex in bringing up the kids.



as regards other types like for instance a single man adopting a child or a single lady going for kid (adoption or a love child), i wudn't really feel its good for the child unless the parent can assure a good n comfortable up-bringing.

[asli_badmash]

... i wudn't really feel its good for the child unless the parent can assure a good n comfortable up-bringing.

Your point being.. Single parenting is not good because the child needs.



~ Wholesome environment to grow up in.

~ Role models in Mom and Dad.



I think it is good because



~ You get to make the choices, what about parents who are a bad influence. That leaves a bigger scar on a child than not having one.



~ Single parents probably wont get as much time as a couple. But that is why we have the family (parents, brothers and sisters). Role models abound!



Accept it some people are bad at parenting, so why get them involved when they cant provide and care for a child in the right way! Some people are just too self absorbed to think about nurturing and caring for a child. It takes effort, time and patience to create a person out of something raw. It is a learning experience... and sadly some people just stop learning after a while. They become so rigid in their ways.. the kids get trampled in thier footsteps.



~badmash~

[CtrlAltDel]

i never said Single parenting is the worst choice....i was comparing it vis a vis a 2 parent family...in some cases single parenting is unavoidable and here the parent shud do their best with a double effort...

~ You get to make the choices, what about parents who are a bad influence. That leaves a bigger scar on a child than not having one.

what if the single parent in question is the wrong one to bring up the kid? there is no counter influence on the child.

~ Single parents probably wont get as much time as a couple. But that is why we have the family (parents, brothers and sisters). Role models abound!

i already mentioned other family elders in my post...

Accept it some people are bad at parenting, so why get them involved when they cant provide and care for a child in the right way! Some people are just too self absorbed to think about nurturing and caring for a child.

same questions apply to single parents too....

It takes effort, time and patience to create a person out of something raw. It is a learning experience...

too much of a learning experince is like experimenting on parenting with the poor kid...not good at all...

and sadly some people just stop learning after a while. They become so rigid in their ways.. the kids get trampled in thier footsteps.

in a normal 2-parent setup, there is a chance for one of the parents to be normal and care for the kid. in a single parent setup, if the parent is as u described...the kid's headed to hell....[/quote]

[asli_badmash]

~ You get to make the choices, what about parents who are a bad influence. That leaves a bigger scar on a child than not having one.

what if the single parent in question is the wrong one to bring up the kid? there is no counter influence on the child.

Good point!

~ Single parents probably wont get as much time as a couple. But that is why we have the family (parents, brothers and sisters). Role models abound!

i already mentioned other family elders in my post...

I noticed... But wanted to mentioned it anyways!

It takes effort, time and patience to create a person out of something raw. It is a learning experience...

too much of a learning experince is like experimenting on parenting with the poor kid...not good at all...

You telling me Parents should be learned enough before they make babies. Cant happen.. its an experience like finding god. No matter how many people tell you about the same concept. You will have to go through the experiences yourself. No two lives are exactly the same! And it is not experimenting.., you are learning yourself and hopefully you wont make the same mistakes twice.

and sadly some people just stop learning after a while. They become so rigid in their ways.. the kids get trampled in thier footsteps.

in a normal 2-parent setup, there is a chance for one of the parents to be normal and care for the kid. in a single parent setup, if the parent is as u described...the kid's headed to hell....

In the case where one parent is sane... his/her job becomes double. Its like you have to manage two KIDS. The deviant parent and the Kid. Dont you think it is better to be single and focus on one rather than deal with a grown up who behaves like a KID. Plus you are frustrated that your partner who is supposed to be responsible still hasnt grown up! Its a dailty struggle... not worth it!



~badmash~

[ZC]

50:50 shayad haan, shayad naaaaaa 50:50

[azazel]

I feel, ideally its best to have both the parents while one is growing up..

in terms of over-all growth n support its better to have ur parents around..



not only that, but a single parent would have to put in much bigger efforts towards bringing up the child.. something, that very few ppl have done commendably..

[Adonis]

i think having both the parents is the way to go !!..with that i am not saying that children raised by single parents grow up to be screwd up !!..

its just easier if u have a spouse !!!..



the children raised by single parents when they grow up, might feel they missed out !!! especially when everybody around them has two parents.

[asli_badmash]

a single parent would have to put in much bigger efforts towards bringing up the child..

the children raised by single parents when they grow up, might feel they missed out !!! especially when everybody around them has two parents.

Good points Azazel and Adonis!

[Habitual Perfectionist]

As usual, I'm late for the comments. My dad wasn't wrong when he said I should've been with the police. Practically all points that I had in my mind have been covered here. And this thread is not worthy of Spam! Congrats Badmash for raising a very pertinent question.



Ab kuch to bolna hai. So adding my own angle to the thread. Based on whatever has been said before me, I would like to bring out some more points which are open to discussion.



Parents and relatives have been discussed as role models. But I feel that kids should be exposed to great people's lives (Autobiographies, films, current affairs magazines etc. are good sources for that). I feel that when parents and relatives try to become role models for kids, they tend to get judgemental. Let the child have his/her options...and then if he/she feels that a parent or a relative deserves to be a role model, so be it.



A single parent, IF focussed, can be a much better proposition than both parents who have a conflict of ideas. A single parent would also be more responsible in such cases. IMO, its not a question of a single parent or both, but rather, one of how responsible and committed are the parents towards the overall growth of the child.



And as for Adonis' point about children feeling missed out, time is a great healer. But again, it boils down to how well the single parent has approached the issue of parentage.

[akhilis2cool]

if the child has the choice he will have both the parents......but he/she is not the one to decide I guess....at least while he/she is young......



i personally feel the more people u have around u while growing up....including the parents ...the better it is.

[CtrlAltDel]

My dad wasn't wrong when he said I should've been with the police.

yeah...u look the part too!

I feel that when parents and relatives try to become role models for kids, they tend to get judgemental.

who'd get judgemental - the elders or the kids...? plz explain yr point

let the child have his/her options...and then if he/she feels that a parent or a relative deserves to be a role model, so be it.

yes dats right, but it shud be remembered that by default parents or any close elder becomes the automatic role model for kids. the kid's initail values are cultivated by them, much before media like book or films make an entry into the kid's life

A single parent, IF focussed, can be a much better proposition than both parents who have a conflict of ideas. A single parent would also be more responsible in such cases.

i agree...

IMO, its not a question of a single parent or both, but rather, one of how responsible and committed are the parents towards the overall growth of the child.

exactly...! but IMO in a 2 parent family there is double possibility of atleast one of the parents turning out to be committed n proper, as compared to a single parent family. if both the parents turn out as good roll models, sone pe suhaga...!!!

we cannot discount Adonis's point as easily healed by time. by the time Father Time heals any sadness, the kids r old enuf to take care of themselves...its when they are young would they yearn for both parents, esp after seeing other kids with a complete family of mom n dad

[Habitual Perfectionist]

I feel that when parents and relatives try to become role models for kids, they tend to get judgemental.

who'd get judgemental - the elders or the kids...? plz explain yr point

I meant parents and relatives get judgemental. I've seen so many instances where parents and relatives try and force their unfulfilled dreams on their children and that does take a lot of toll on the young ones.

IMO, its not a question of a single parent or both, but rather, one of how responsible and committed are the parents towards the overall growth of the child.

exactly...! but IMO in a 2 parent family there is double possibility of atleast one of the parents turning out to be committed n proper, as compared to a single parent family. if both the parents turn out as good roll models, sone pe suhaga...!!!

Yes...thats what I said...but in a different way. I meant that the parents' commitment is more important than mere numbers.

we cannot discount Adonis's point as easily healed by time. by the time Father Time heals any sadness, the kids r old enuf to take care of themselves...its when they are young would they yearn for both parents, esp after seeing other kids with a complete family of mom n dad

I agree that you cannot discount Adonis' point. What I wanted to say was that there are ways to offset the damage done by the missed out feeling. And if you read my post carefully, I've also mentioned that if a single parent has the right attitude towards the child, this damage can be offset to a great degree.

[Stingrae]

if the child has the choice he will have both the parents......but he/she is not the one to decide I guess....at least while he/she is young......

i personally feel the more people u have around u while growing up....including the parents ...the better it is.

not always... a looot of ppls could lead to a mixed perception...i'm not sayin that the presence of both the parents is a bad thing...its a great thing and its very important in my view....u get to borrow a bit of both the worlds and learn a lot more...plus, both the parents will have their own individual strengths and weaknesses which would help compliment each other....

bottomline...i dont know how i would have been if i had a single parent...

[Alexis]

Ideally, a child should have a mother's and father's influence to assure a well-rounded and unbiased understanding of life, the world, and everything in it.

Sure he'll be bombarded with conflicting views and ideas, but it'll give him 2 ways to think about it, and he'll come out with his own.



A single parent would be too overwhelmed with his double duty, ie., his job and raising a kid.

Sure the single parent can get help from a relative or friend, but its not the same as a mother or father, whatever the case may be.

[asli_badmash]

OK.. Instead of getting biased by the Human way of life.. lets look to nature for some new ideas.



Lioness - Raises her kids by herself. Though she is in a pride. Cubs have the support of the pride.

Mom Cheetah - Raises her kids alone. She is basically a loner.

Tigeress - Riases her kids alone.

Even the cats at home raise their kids alone. Basically all the CAT family raise their kids alone.



Wolves raise their kids togather. All dog family genrally raise their kids togather.



So basically the point is.. wherever we find co-dependence among a species or a group... We find kids being raised by two parents, being taught the rules and meaning of family. It serves the purpose. But if there is no co-dependence, why have a two parent family, example Cheetah.



The question that is important to ask is "Are family values important ? " If yes.. how important and how does it help to teach kids about it. This thread is more about Family values than about anything else! The outcome of this discussion rests solely on this questions.



~badmash~

[Habitual Perfectionist]

The question that is important to ask is "Are family values important ? " If yes.. how important and how does it help to teach kids about it. This thread is more about Family values than about anything else! The outcome of this discussion rests solely on this questions.

~badmash~

I concur. Meant something very similar when I said commitment to the betterment of children from parents.

[Lucifer]

I have nothing for or against single-parenting when it is borne out of compulsion. When there is a choice, however, I am absolutely and completely in disagreement with it.



Why subject the child to it? Why should the child not have the right to a mom and a dad? There must be a reason nature decided to make the union of a male and a female imperative to produce a child.



Besides we need to look into the psyche of these single parents. Madonna (for her first kid) decided to become a Mom because she thought that would make her complete as a woman. She actually used her child to satisfy her deep-seated psycological needs. And, this extends to all such single parents. Should the child be a scapegoat?

[Habitual Perfectionist]

Besides we need to look into the psyche of these single parents. Madonna (for her first kid) decided to become a Mom because she thought that would make her complete as a woman. She actually used her child to satisfy her deep-seated psycological needs. And, this extends to all such single parents. Should the child be a scapegoat?

Again something concerning the commitment of the parent towards the child's welfare. I think we're nearing a consensus on this thread.

[asli_badmash]

Again something concerning the commitment of the parent towards the child's welfare. I think we're nearing a consensus on this thread.

The commitment is not enough...



A single parent might be very commited to childs dev. But yet the child will miss out on the essentials. CAD pointed out some of those essentials.



What if the whole concept of a single parent being commited to the childs development is wrong. The question here is if we should have "two people" a mom and a dad involved in the commitment.



~badmash~

[Habitual Perfectionist]

What if the whole concept of a single parent being commited to the childs development is wrong. The question here is if we should have "two people" a mom and a dad involved in the commitment.

~badmash~

In this hypothetical situation, I would go for a two-parent option, if I had the choice.



But the question is...what if both the parents turn out to be negative influences?

[asli_badmash]

Why subject the child to it?

Besides we need to look into the psyche of these single parents. Madonna (for her first kid) decided to become a Mom because she thought that would make her complete as a woman. She actually used her child to satisfy her deep-seated psycological needs. And, this extends to all such single parents. Should the child be a scapegoat?

Good point(s)...



Yes the peoples psyche is involved... and maybe some of it is formed when they were young. and yes The child should not be made a scape goat.



But what if your deep seated issues are such that they would take time to get healed. And for the moment you are single. Also, the issues might be resolved they may not be resolved... Meanwhile are they not supposed to have KIDS? Why deny people the right to have kids ?



Also there is a biological clock for women? What if they cant make babies the usual way, I mean get married and then make babies! Should they never have babies? Why deny them that ?



On one side of the TARAZU... you have the kid and its welfare on the other you have the parent at their issues! Who and what is more important ?



~badmash~

[asli_badmash]

In this hypothetical situation, I would go for a two-parent option, if I had the choice.But the question is...what if both the parents turn out to be negative influences?

There is always an IF in all situations.. but you hope for the best and try to do the right thing anyway.



~badmash~

[Habitual Perfectionist]

Besides we need to look into the psyche of these single parents. Madonna (for her first kid) decided to become a Mom because she thought that would make her complete as a woman. She actually used her child to satisfy her deep-seated psycological needs. And, this extends to all such single parents. Should the child be a scapegoat?

Don't the same things hold true for a 2 parent family too? I myself have gone thru it when my dad wanted to make me an engineer at any cost. Had to forget MY career choice (the armed forces) just for that one whim of my dad.