Intercast marraige...

[asli_badmash]

Two friends of mine have been contemplating marraige for some time now. The issue is they are form different religions. They are rather young and I dont think they relaize what they are doing. They seem to be comfortable with each other, but I dont think they realize what a big change it is to be married and that too into a new relgion.



As far as religion goes... I beleive they have the following options..



- One of them have to change religion to suit the other.

- Both of them change religion, or become athiests.

- Neither change religion but they discuss the ground rules to their life before they get married.



I dont know if there is a straight answer to this.. What do you think they should do ?



~badmash~



PS: And please dont give me the funda that "Love overcomes everything"... I have been there and I have seen it. It doesnt and I am not cynical. Love is in its place and life in its own place.

[JustaLittleUnwell]

Nice to here that your friend's are thinking about intercast marraige. Im not able to forecast it's outcome, however, i will try how much ever i can able to *damn*



Lemme cut the crap :) You are bored on a Sunday and so am I :) My suggestion to those folks from different 'relgions' - stay far away from this badmashi guy :)

[Himabindu]

As far as religion goes... I beleive they have the following options..

- One of them have to change religion to suit the other.
- Both of them change religion, or become athiests.
- Neither change religion but they discuss the ground rules to their life before they get married. .

Change the religion to whichever both are totally comfy w/ even for their children to be brought up with, together.



.. If they are not able to come to a conclusion, there ! the first one had already begun ! The chances of the marriage surviving are almost nil, unless one of them is 'totally' unselfish and sees his/her happines in their spouse's. I am yet to see one who's so, or maybe Mother Terresa?



My observation: Even the supposed athiests need the religion, atleast twds the later days.



and I am NOT much of a religious person, I believe in God, ofcourse but I do not do much of poojas and go to temples. Yet.



Yet, there is this pride and 'comfort' in my religion when I feel my children need to know certain good and evil things about and in life and out of it. I discuss with them and I find myself taking the exampls from the religion to instill some of the good beliefs in life. So does my husband too.



Totally 'my' perception. Evryone has his own right for one, including my children as they grow up.

[black wizard]

they ought to become Satanists...plz contact your local GROTTO for being baptised with fire.



changing religion, eh? things like this seldom work.

[asli_badmash]

Change the religion to whichever both are totally comfy w/ even for their children to be brought up with, together.

The chances of the marriage surviving are almost nil, unless one of them is 'totally' unselfish and sees his/her happines in their spouse's.

Yet, there is this pride and 'comfort' in my religion when I feel my children need to know certain good and evil things about and in life and out of it. I discuss with them and I find myself taking the exampls from the religion to instill some of the good beliefs in life.

Awesome points... HimaBindu.



So religion is basically something that brings people togather, or rather it is a way of life that brings people togather. I talked to them about this and the answer I got is this is my life and I will do as I please. I am not stopping these people from getting togather, but I think they are young and they are taking a hasty descision which would only screw up countless lives. I say countless because all people from family are affected in some way or the other. I beleive family is like a pond, you throw a stone into it and the ripples effect everyones life.



This is a very tricky issue. There have been intercast marraiges that work. I know of one such family. The father is a Muslim and the mother is Hindu. The eldest kid has a hindu name and the second one a muslim name. The eldest follows hinduism and the youngest Islam. Their family celebrates all festivals. I mean there are success stories but it depends on the people involved here. Unfortunately the friends I am talking about didnt even discuss religion before they talked about marraige. This is a right recipe for a failed marraige.



All I can do is wish them luck and hope for the best.



JustaLittleUnwell: Whatevva I cant make anything out of your words. Did you mean to say something...



Black wizard: Satanists are people screaming for attention. They are like "Look at us, we dont follow the norms, we are different. when we were kids we were neglected and as a result we have grown up to be screwed up in the head".



~bamash~

[CtrlAltDel]

Two friends of mine have been contemplating marraige for some time now. The issue is they are form different religions. They are rather young and I dont think they relaize what they are doing. They seem to be comfortable with each other, but I dont think they realize what a big change it is to be married and that too into a new relgion.

first i'd like to point that this is not a case of intercaste marriage, but its interreligion marriage. its more serious than the former, and has potential for problems unless handled carefully.

i think they need to mature n grow up first. such marriage in a hurry is always a sure path to disaster in future. let them first plan how they'd lead their life and what they plan for their kid(s), before getting married.

- One of them have to change religion to suit the other.

easiest option once taken, but the pertner who converts has to do so whole heartedly and after lots of thot, since this implies lots of change in lifestyle.

- Both of them change religion, or become athiests.

children cud grow up confused...

- Neither change religion but they discuss the ground rules to their life before they get married.

ideal option, but has lots of pitfalls they have to watch out for...esp regarding children. if this arngmnt works out nothing like it n children wud grow up as open minded "perfect" citizens.

I dont know if there is a straight answer to this.. What do you think they should do ?

they have to decide on that after mutual discussion. u n others can only give options. they have to take final decision by themselves n be responsible for it.

PS: And please dont give me the funda that "Love overcomes everything"... I have been there and I have seen it. It doesnt and I am not cynical.

u r right...those sentis are meant for novels n movies only!

[asli_badmash]

first i'd like to point that this is not a case of intercaste marriage, but its interreligion marriage. its more serious than the former, and has potential for problems unless handled carefully.

CAD... Awesome points... Not only is it a interreligious marriage, it is also an intercast marraige too. The girl is a brahmin and the dude is a recent convert christian, he was a harijan before.



Another problem is that the parents dont know of it as yet. I asked them to talk to their parents, but I know they are not going to.



CAD, as you said all we can do it give them options and hope for the best, but they have to decide the direction of this issue.



~badmash~

[ZC]

actually, i see these days,



couples look into caste and sub-caste before falling in love........they do everything that their parents do ...............they answer ..........."safe side", "no point fighting with parents on lines of caste".........

[asli_badmash]

actually, i see these days,

couples look into caste and sub-caste before falling in love........they do everything that their parents do ...............they answer ..........."safe side", "no point fighting with parents on lines of caste".........

so you cant hope to fall for anybody. Whatever happened to the words "Love has no boundaries, it sees neither religion nor color, neither cast nor creed." Or are these words just meant to be read, understood and chucked aside to deal with the actual world ?



~badmash

[ZC]

actually, i see these days,

couples look into caste and sub-caste before falling in love........they do everything that their parents do ...............they answer ..........."safe side", "no point fighting with parents on lines of caste".........

so you cant hope to fall for anybody. Whatever happened to the words "Love has no boundaries, it sees neither religion nor color, neither cast nor creed." Or are these words just meant to be read, understood and chucked aside to deal with the actual world ?

~badmash

ur quote boss

PS: And please dont give me the funda that "Love overcomes everything"... I have been there and I have seen it. It doesnt and I am not cynical. Love is in its place and life in its own place.

people are practical, Love cant overcome everything

[azazel]

Whatever happened to the words "Love has no boundaries, it sees neither religion nor color, neither cast nor creed." Or are these words just meant to be read, understood and chucked aside to deal with the actual world ?

those r just words dude.. welcome to the real world !

as reg. ur friends, i respect whatever they have.. it has to ba mutual decision , U or anyone for that matter can only suggest options like CAD said, the actual decision should come from them.. get them to sit down n talk about their future b4 they do anything concrete.. this will change a lot of things not only for them but everyone around them.. my first suggestion would be : let this situation be known to parents/elders

may sound stupid, but it will work!!

[gods_gift2_mankind]

my first suggestion would be : let this situation be known to parents/elders
may sound stupid, but it will work!!

unfortunately a very good point....

Two friends of mine have been contemplating marraige for some time now. The issue is they are form different religions. They are rather young and I dont think they relaize what they are doing. They seem to be comfortable with each other, but I dont think they realize what a big change it is to be married and that too into a new relgion.

a cousin of mine is married to someone from a different religion - the first in the family- n her initial decision was met with a lot of animosity. BUt the happily ever after deal has worked for them. There have been times where she has had to make a lot of compromises and a gazillion sacrifices but so has he. Thats how things work i guess!

As far as religion goes... I beleive they have the following options..
- One of them have to change religion to suit the other.

easier said than done - the person who does convert will be making a million sacrifices and may not feel like it is a big deal at the time, but the repercussions of this will be felt in the future!! Unless neither of them are big on religion!

- Neither change religion but they discuss the ground rules to their life before they get married.

this is probably the sanest choice....
but their families also have to be game to this. like it or not.. families play a big role in indian marriages

I dont know if there is a straight answer to this.. What do you think they should do ?

as Ctrl said its not upto u to take their decisons... u can only offer ur options and tupenny suggestions... like all of us here always end up doing

[Johnny]

Two friends of mine have been contemplating marraige for some time now. The issue is they are form different religions. They are rather young and I dont think they relaize what they are doing. They seem to be comfortable with each other, but I dont think they realize what a big change it is to be married and that too into a new relgion.

I support u totally on this. Somehow, People in their yougn age dont think before falling in love. After everything happens, and it is time for marriage, they realise how hard it is. But ideally, nutting shud come in between to soulmates. But as everyone knows in the real world, its better to play safe rather than regret.

As far as religion goes... I beleive they have the following options..

- One of them have to change religion to suit the other.
- Both of them change religion, or become athiests.
- Neither change religion but they discuss the ground rules to their life before they get married.

I dont know if there is a straight answer to this.. What do you think they should do ?

Ideally the third opton is the best, but again many practical problems arise. This may work out if they decide to start a nuclear family. But in a joint family where the girl has to stay in her in laws house, and practice her own religion seems wierd and improbable

SO now she can opt for the first choice, which involves a loot of sacrifice. Leaving a way of life she had been used to and been believeing in for the past 2 decades or so, is not gonna be easy dude.

I am nto goin to tlak about the second choise.. Instead i give another option, realising how painful it wud be they better tell ther parents and try to convince them and in the process realise, is this all worth it?
If not then forget the issue mutually. This also is nto easy esp. if they r in true love (never seen it tho )

PS: And please dont give me the funda that "Love overcomes everything"... I have been there and I have seen it. It doesnt and I am not cynical. Love is in its place and life in its own place.

Love doesnt over come anything, but it surely does over come ur sense.

Jaane kyon logg pyaaar karthe hai. Its not dat i am against love, but just dat its a very tricky deal. Havent been there yet so dunno. [/b]

[mysterious babe]

HI...m back after a long time.



About inter religious marraiges working........they do work provided the couple has discussed the whole issue.......they should be mentally prepared for the rough road ahead.......as far as changing ones religion is concerned i dont agree its possible to change ones religion...i mean u have grown up for say 25 years of ur life practicing one religion following that path and then for the sake of the person u love u just convert does that make sense......cant both of them respect each others religion and follow both the religions with neither of them converting.....



I had a close freind of mine whose father was muslim and mom hindu...they celebrated all festivals and the kids knew abt both the religions.......times have changed now.....we r not, that fanatics........how much do we follow our own religion.....its easier to accept and respect the other religion rather than converting.......the family of the guy/girl who would b converting will definitely not accept this.........so the couple will have to overcome another hurdle of displeasing family members and going ahead.



Another option for the couple is to stay seperate....this way family interference will b minimised and they get more time to understand and accept each other......even in love marraige couples find it difficult to adjust to each other ......thats because u actaully start staying with the person.....its always nice when u meet ur bf/gf when he/she is at his /her best........but when u have to stay the actual problems crop up.



AB the best solution for ur freinds would b to understand the pros and cons of this marraige........b willing to sacrifice cause there is gonna b plenty of struggle...discuss how they r gonna raise the kids.......and b firm and united in what they deciide cause family is the biggest obstacle they need to overcome.........

[akhilis2cool]

An aunt of mine had a love marriage with a person from a different religion...they r quite happy. The relatives dont have much of problem at all. May be thats because they stay in mumbai....



they celibrate festivals from both the religions....but they r naturally more inclined towards the uncles religion.....



I dont know wht sort of problems they actually face when it comes to religious matters.



may b some one who has been there can help.....

[asli_badmash]

actually, i see these days,
couples look into caste and sub-caste before falling in love

so you cant hope to fall for anybody. Whatever happened to the words "Love has no boundaries, it sees neither religion nor color, neither cast nor creed." Or are these words just meant to be read, understood and chucked aside to deal with the actual world ?
~badmash

ur quote boss

I know the truth... Do you have to rub it in. There is an motive behind this. Read between the lines and maybe you will understand the ploy.



I want to meet someone who is naive, innocent person who still beleives in love and all the stuff written in books. All the people I meet are smart, practical and worldly. What the hell happened to the die hard romantics.



~badmash~

[asli_badmash]

[quote="Johnny

PS: And please dont give me the funda that "Love overcomes everything"... I have been there and I have seen it. It doesnt and I am not cynical. Love is in its place and life in its own place.

Love doesnt over come anything, but it surely does over come ur sense.
Jaane kyon logg pyaaar karthe hai. Its not dat i am against love, but just dat its a very tricky deal. Havent been there yet so dunno. [/b][/quote]



Let me clarify my stand... I said love doesnt overcome everything because it actually doesnt. Kinda cryptic...



Let me give you an analogy that my father told me once in our garden. We were having a father-son chat and I asked what he thought about love and what is its place in life. In our garden we had this beautiful jasmine creeper on a neem tree. He thought for a little and then he said love is like the beautiful creeper twirling on the strong branches of the neem tree. The tree signifies the ground realities, the nity-grity of life and the creeper basically is what makes the tree beautiful. Without the tree the creeper cannot grow and without the creeper the tree would be dull. So goes the analogy between life(neem tree) and love( jasmine creeper).



For love to exist and grow there has to be the solid foundation of trust, respect and friendship. Unfortunately, the friends I am talking about only have good friendship, they dont even know each other very well. I think they are in love with the concept of being in love. Thats the first pitfall to avoid.



Johnny: About love; its awesome dude... I mean imagine the feeling when you love someone special and that someone loves you back even more. I dont think anybody can describe the high. I dont think it can be defined, it can only be experienced.



Hey, maybe I am diehard romantic... or am I?



~badmash~

[Arch]

[quote="Johnny

PS: And please dont give me the funda that "Love overcomes everything"... I have been there and I have seen it. It doesnt and I am not cynical. Love is in its place and life in its own place.

Love doesnt over come anything, but it surely does over come ur sense.
Jaane kyon logg pyaaar karthe hai. Its not dat i am against love, but just dat its a very tricky deal. Havent been there yet so dunno. [/b]

Let me clarify my stand... I said love doesnt overcome everything because it actually doesnt. Kinda cryptic...

Let me give you an analogy that my father told me once in our garden. We were having a father-son chat and I asked what he thought about love and what is its place in life. In our garden we had this beautiful jasmine creeper on a neem tree. He thought for a little and then he said love is like the beautiful creeper twirling on the strong branches of the neem tree. The tree signifies the ground realities, the nity-grity of life and the creeper basically is what makes the tree beautiful. Without the tree the creeper cannot grow and without the creeper the tree would be dull. So goes the analogy between life(neem tree) and love( jasmine creeper).

For love to exist and grow there has to be the solid foundation of trust, respect and friendship. Unfortunately, the friends I am talking about only have good friendship, they dont even know each other very well. I think they are in love with the concept of being in love. Thats the first pitfall to avoid.

Johnny: About love; its awesome dude... I mean imagine the feeling when you love someone special and that someone loves you back even more. I dont think anybody can describe the high. I dont think it can be defined, it can only be experienced.

Hey, maybe I am diehard romantic... or am I?

~badmash~[/quote]



another good one, asli ! keep it up. I often restrain myself from complimenting you for the observations that you post. There'd b too many times that i would need to, otherwise



U keep amazing me by the maturity and depth of ur personality., most often. Hats off to you and to your family for the right kind of attitudes (those that I too happen to admire) in life.

[asli_badmash]

another good one, asli ! keep it up. I often restrain myself from complimenting you for the observations that you post. There'd b too many times that i would need to, otherwise

U keep amazing me by the maturity and depth of ur personality., most often. Hats off to you and to your family for the right kind of attitudes (those that I too happen to admire) in life.

Thank you. Yeh aap ki Zarra Nawazi hai Huzoor... Thanks. I come here to speak my mind and hope to learn something new everyday and I beleive everybody has something to offer. Everybody here is very open minded and mature. You know they say, it takes one to recognize one. So all the good things back at you.



~badmash~

[CtrlAltDel]

I said love doesnt overcome everything because it actually doesnt. Kinda cryptic...

nothing cryptic to a person who has been there! love overcomes all only in feel-good stories. its not love but lovers who face the challenge of overcoming the endless hurdles in a mature way.

For love to exist and grow there has to be the solid foundation of trust, respect and friendship.

love develops between persons only as a result of deep trust and respect, over a period of time. i do not believe in love at first sight, nor do i encourage weddings after a few months of "love".

Unfortunately, the friends I am talking about only have good friendship, they dont even know each other very well. I think they are in love with the concept of being in love. Thats the first pitfall to avoid.

this changes the entire situation! what all i blabbered in my last post hold no good. everything wud be fine for a few months (or weeks?) till reality hits either of them. they have to give each other more time to decide whether the other is really worth marrying.
if their hurried marriage succeeds then good for them, they are lucky.

but my take is that you have to step in and ask your friend not to go ahead with this foolishness. of corz, dont assume that yr advise wud be listened to. if the 2 still go ahead, its their problem not yrs. attend their wedding, give em a gift, eat the lunch/dinner, wish em and go home....till he comes running to you for a shoulder to cry on, a few months later!

imagine the feeling when you love someone special and that someone loves you back even more. I dont think anybody can describe the high. I dont think it can be defined, it can only be experienced.

well said! no one can comment on it unless its been experienced personally!

[azazel]

saw a movie called The Graduate recently *ing Dustin Hoffman circa '67

in the end, the lead pair runs off in a bus to get married.. n this is what i liked abt that scene .. it shows the excited couple all happy/smiling but doesnt end with a "..they lived happily everafter" .. it gradually rolls off implying a shift in the mood.. a sort-of now what goin thru their minds..

the reason y i liked it was its grounded in reality.. i guess AB's dad got it right with the tree/jasmine anology..

AB, dude, do wht u can to help the couple out.. try n get 'em to let their respective parents know.. handle the issue a bit more maturely.. the final decision/responsibility is theirs' tho..

[Habitual Perfectionist]

I know that whatever I'm saying here would be a repeat of something that's already been posted here. But just to make a serious point and to add to my post count, here's my 2 cents.



The question put up by badmash is much deeper than it appears on the surface. Two people and 2 religions are not the only entities involved. So, ideally, the first and best option would be to talk to some elders, from either side, preferably from both. But, all parents are not that open minded, especially so in the southern states, where people are much more orthodox in their beliefs.



Next stop would be someone else, who can properly advice the young lovebirds about the pros and cons of what they are headed towards. I would suggest some good marriage counselling centre (does hyderabad have any good ones?).



They also need to understand that marriage is not an easy thing to pull off, especially when you have just started to lead an independent life. Running a house by yourself is a big pain by itself and if you are a newly-wed pair to boot, God save you. So, before getting into any rash decision, I would advice the pair to sincerely give it a serious thought. I would basically suggest them to lay low for a while, concentrate on their professions and settle down on that front atleast.



The above points would hold true for any young couple thinking of marriage. We haven't yet treaded on inter-religion grounds.



Inter-religion marriages are all the more difficult to pull off successfully. You have internal as well as external impediments gunning for you at all times. You have to deal with nightmares like social ostracism, indifferent families, strife at home and what not if things don't work out amicably at all fronts. And then there is the culture shock that comes from such a close liaison with someone from a distinct culture and upbringing.



To end, all I would suggest to the young couple would be to take things slowly and steadily; not to make any haste; be sure to consult all your friends and well wishers and last, but not the least, have a heart to heart talk on what you are expecting from each other, both in the short-term as well as the long-term. This should help.

[asli_badmash]

some really good points have come up here and this is what I did....



They have decided to get married by a court marraige and they want me to be one of the witness. I said I would do it, provided they fulfill the following things... (In order or priority)



- Convince atleast one elder from each family to be present for the marraige.



- Meet a marraige counselor.



- Meet few inter-caste/inter-religion married couples and talk to them about the issues.



- Show me proff that both of them were working and would be able to pay their own bills and afford a seperate house.



- Show me a bank balance of atleast 1 lakh in both thier individual accounts. (They are not allowed to take loans.)



- Sit down and talk about religion, kids.



- Think about career, future and finances. Make tentative plans for the next five year.



This should bring out sufficient issue to make these people think. The dude is all dismissive of the things but I can see that the girl has taken the issue seriously and may be would follow it up. They might just decide to chuck me out of the equation, but I have atleast done my job.



Beyond this I can only wish them luck(as most of you have suggested) and hope for the best.



The bad part is I know both the families, they are nice people and every time I visit them, they talk all nicely to me and I am hiding things from them. It looks like I am stabbing them in the back, so to avoid that I have stopped visiting their house till this issue get resolved.



~badmash~

[ZC]

antha Maya

[Jaszalcatraz]

antha Maya