Arranged Marriage...what a mess

[ZC]

my tips, 1.) check astrology if u believe 2.) think abt appropriate age diff that u feel is good 3.) education 4.) education of siblings 5.) u shud like (not hate) all family members (u cant like everyone ofcouse) u shud feel parvaledhu, ask for a family photo 6.) career aspirations working/(housewife/husband)???? 7.) body chemistry ofcourse 8.) dont assume things/take things for granted, say, if the guy/gal wants to marry a fair one or a tall one: they mean it, dont use high heels or Asian paints......if u have checked all these and sit down and write a few points which u can think of before seeing the girl, if u have done ur homework, its close to marrying the first girl/guy u meet.........dont jump in without anything.........see the girl and then say "oh, its embarassing to see many many girls" and if u stick to all the points, u will never find a girl/guy the bottom line again is: compromise...............that boils down to what u r and what the other person is...........and thats ur destiny thoor`puki thirigi dhan`dham pettu . Good luck.

[mysterious babe]

the sucess on any marriage depends on ur willingness to compromise. marraige is not a bed of roses. i think it has more of thorns , how u tackle the thorns is the issue. In a love marraige if u have been seeing the person for some time then u know the person upto some extent and u accept him with all his faults. if u overlook them ,then after marraige they will pop up again.So the best way to make a marraige work is give all what u can but dont expect anything. know its sounds filmi but works to quite an extent just that both of them should have this attitude. ego is another prob in any marraige.yes i agree that we need to pamper a guys ego but to some extent , if he is gonna treat us like a doormat he will definitely get good frm us. best thing is accept and respect each other for who they r. dont try to change the person.this happens mostly with the guy trying to change his wife according to his expectations frm his wife. she will try to mould in but some day if things strecth too far its not healthy for a marraige. respect her individuality and give her space. Infact both need to give each other thier own perosnal space .thats how both of them can grow as individuals

[asli_badmash]

the sucess on any marriage depends on ur willingness to compromise. .....respect her individuality and give her space. Infact both need to give each other thier own perosnal space .thats how both of them can grow as individuals

Interesting... A good set of observations.



~badmash~

[Happy Hyderabadi]

the sucess on any marriage depends on ur willingness to compromise. .....respect her individuality and give her space. Infact both need to give each other thier own perosnal space .thats how both of them can grow as individuals

Interesting... A good set of observations.

~badmash~

Whether AM / LM / PM / RM, Couples have Complimentary & Complementary Roles to

help lead Happy Lives for themselves as well as for those around!

[Prince]

the sucess on any marriage depends on ur willingness to compromise. .....respect her individuality and give her space. Infact both need to give each other thier own perosnal space .thats how both of them can grow as individuals

Interesting... A good set of observations.

~badmash~

ah-ha, a mutual admiration club in the making?



Just joking. Both of you seem to think in a pretty good manner, and more importantly, seem to be able to get them across very well.

[asli_badmash]

..... . Infact both need to give each other thier own perosnal space .thats how both of them can grow as individuals

Interesting... A good set of observations. ~badmash~

ah-ha, a mutual admiration club in the making?... joking. Both of you seem to think in a pretty good manner, and more importantly, seem to be able to get them across very well.

Its only fair to return a compliment. What she wrote here is profound. Dont you think so ? MysteryBabe has been really nice to me. I guess she gets what I say. For a change I find people at fullhyd.com who agree with my blah blah... By the way, Prince, you are very observant and I read what you had to say on "how guys think" board.. interesting.



~badmash~

[Mayavi Morpheus]

the sucess on any marriage depends on ur willingness to compromise. marraige is not a bed of roses. i think it has more of thorns , how u tackle the thorns is the issue. In a love marraige if u have been seeing the person for some time then u know the person upto some extent and u accept him with all his faults. if u overlook them ,then after marraige they will pop up again.So the best way to make a marraige work is give all what u can but dont expect anything. know its sounds filmi but works to quite an extent just that both of them should have this attitude. ego is another prob in any marraige.yes i agree that we need to pamper a guys ego but to some extent , if he is gonna treat us like a doormat he will definitely get good frm us. best thing is accept and respect each other for who they r. dont try to change the person.this happens mostly with the guy trying to change his wife according to his expectations frm his wife. she will try to mould in but some day if things strecth too far its not healthy for a marraige. respect her individuality and give her space. Infact both need to give each other thier own perosnal space .thats how both of them can grow as individuals

Well said. One more thing I would like to add is that guy's and girls should ignore the past life of their partners. The affairs and the relationships they had before marriage should not affect married life, esp for arranged marriages. I feel that such things shouldnt be kept secret and should be revealed before marriage. I dont think there are many guys who'd accept a girl who was involved in a love affair before marriage leave alone sexual relationship.

[Happy Hyderabadi]

When a Co has been set up ... why any ante or post mortem! it should be "Business for Life"!

Thank You MM, for your Observations!

[ZC]

the title of this board shud have been "MARRIAGE -- WHAT A MESS"

[mysterious babe]

[the title of this board shud have been "MARRIAGE -- WHAT A MESS" ]



ZC y r u jumping to such harsh conclusions. Its up to us wether we mess things or have a smooth sailing. we just cant generalise such things. If things go well marraige could be one beautiful dream.(and if there are no ups and downs in a marraige how would we realise its value )

[ZC]

ZC y r u jumping to such harsh conclusions. Its up to us wether we mess things or have a smooth sailing. we just cant generalise such things. If things go well marraige could be one beautiful dream.(and if there are no ups and downs in a marraige how would we realise its value )

that was a bit of sarcasm......not jumping into conclusions....... if u read my previous post, i say whether LM/AM, therez no difference, its all abt compromise, then u would understand y i have written this..............it all depends on the guy and the girl....we cant generalize i agree

[mysterious babe]

[
Well said. One more thing I would like to add is that guy's and girls should ignore the past life of their partners. The affairs and the relationships they had before marriage should not affect married life, esp for arranged marriages. I feel that such things shouldnt be kept secret and should be revealed before marriage. I dont think there are many guys who'd accept a girl who was involved in a love affair before marriage leave alone sexual relationship.

thanks, MM at times i feel its better to keep the past to oneself unless we r very sure that the other person can accept such a past. if the person is not that broad minded he will feel very insecure abt the realtion and even abt the past. though we may forget our past , this past issue generally comes up when the relation is gng thru a ruf patch (m not talking abt marraige). past is past y do we need to tell it to anyone.as long as the person knows u were invloved b4 with someone and the relation dint work its enuf. also u would have had a special relation iwth someone in the past , y does ur present partner need to know the details. Its just between u and the other person.what is imp is being faithful in ur current relation and faithful does not mean revealing each and every detail of the past or what u have done with someone.

[CtrlAltDel]

i too feel that past relationship(s) should be revealed to the spouse (sparing the gorydetails of corz!) right in the beginning, before the relationship is started or formalized.



the best thing abt this is that right them we'll know the mentality of the potential spouse/partner. if he/she seems upset or angry, thats the time to end the relationship. theres no need to suffer with a narrow minded resentful person.



i had revealed abt all my past relationships to my wife before i started courting her and she told me abt her ex-boyfriend too.



here we shud remember that once the past is all revealed and accepted, thats the end of the chapter. we should not constantly talk about it, esp as if its being missed. some teasing or humerous references about the past relationship is ok, but not like "....oooh he was so good in bed" or "...mmmm i still cant forget her figure..."



as said before what is important is to understand that marriage = commitment. the pair have to be faithful to each other, tho this wud sometimes prove difficult after a few years (the 7 year itch??!!). thats the testing time for any couple.



now the important question is what do u do if u find your spouse cheating on you?



maybe this requires a seperate board/forum

[azazel]

now the important question is what do u do if u find your spouse cheating on you?

i pose that Q to all the married ppl here...

enlighten us, bachelors/bachelorettes

[mysterious babe]

[quote="CtrlAltDel"]

now the important question is what do u do if u find your spouse cheating on you?





It depends.if it was a casual fling i think i will forgive my spouse provided he is really guilty abt the whole thing. If he is seriously involved i think he would have to make the decision not me. I dont beleive in forcing anything in a relation.The very fact that my spouse is seeing someone else indicates that i m falling short of his expectations somehwere in the relation. yep agreed its not always the case but the very need to cheat ur spouse generally arises when u r not satisfied with ur marraige..so either we talk it out and clear things or go our way if he wants to continue his relation with the other person.

[Portuguese Man-Of-War]

now the important question is what do u do if u find your spouse cheating on you?

It depends.if it was a casual fling i think i will forgive my spouse provided he is really guilty abt the whole thing. If he is seriously involved i think he would have to make the decision not me. I dont beleive in forcing anything in a relation.The very fact that my spouse is seeing someone else indicates that i m falling short of his expectations somehwere in the relation. yep agreed its not always the case but the very need to cheat ur spouse generally arises when u r not satisfied with ur marraige..so either we talk it out and clear things or go our way if he wants to continue his relation with the other person.

I think it's very easy to say these things - the "go our way" part. If your spouse leaves you, you'll be devastated for 3 reasons:



1. That someone you love has left you

2. That he/she found someone better than you

3. That he/she is now sleeping with someone else, the most intimate human expression of belonging that only you had the right to so far



I am not married, but I've seen that 2 and 3 above are reasons that will plunge a normal human into unbearable trauma, something that he/she will take months/years to get out - sometimes you simply want to die. Love is God's most dangerous invention after life. You have to be fairly clear about your mental fortitude in all these things. If both the persons want to go their separate ways, it's probably still fine, but if the decision has been forced upon one of them, I think it can be truly killing.



Here's a song that I really love - I think it perfectly reflects the state of mind you get into in these things. It is an all-time rock classic, and I don't think I need to introduce it:





Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
People think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time

All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me, occupy my brain?
Oh yeah

I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find
I can't see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind

Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal

And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but it's too late

[mysterious babe]

I think it's very easy to say these things - the "go our way" part.

I know its difficult to go ur own way but its much better than getting stuck in a marraige thats not working out. whats the sense in continuing with the marraige when u know ur husband is sleeping with someone else.that would make life more miserable.so either he leaves the other woman or goes to her or wherever it dosent matter then.I know its horrible to walk out of a marraige but sticking to a failing one is worse.If u have family support its still OK otherwise what do u have to look up in life. It probably is more difficult wehn u have kids cause u need to think abt them too....but i dont think u can love ur spouse so much as to accepting another woman in his life.I dont think i would do that.and all this defies the very purpose of marraige, its not sharing ur spouse with someone else.I think the best would b giving the spouse another chance as long he /she is willing to let go the past.


CAD - the pair have to be faithful to each other, tho this wud sometimes prove difficult after a few years (the 7 year itch??!!). thats the testing time for any couple.

I agree with u CAD. the 7 year itch is the testing time for any couple

[CtrlAltDel]

It depends.if it was a casual fling i think i will forgive my spouse provided he is really guilty abt the whole thing.

Right Answer!!! but this path is not very easy and cud be taken only with a cool mind after all the 'hellraising' has subsided.

If he is seriously involved i think he would have to make the decision not me. I dont beleive in forcing anything in a relation.The very fact that my spouse is seeing someone else indicates that i m falling short of his expectations somehwere in the relation. yep agreed its not always the case but the very need to cheat ur spouse generally arises when u r not satisfied with ur marraige..so either we talk it out and clear things or go our way if he wants to continue his relation with the other person.

u r right here too. but do not take all the blame yourself if your spouse cheats. the cliche about '7 year itch' is all too true. its just the spouse is bored and wants a diversion. its applicable both to husbands n wives.



another reason for a man's roving eye is biological. in most mammals, the male fertilizes multiple females to ensure spread of his seed or gene pool. so gentically males are programed to have multiple partners. Civilizations have largely tried to control this instinct with the institution of marriage, which distinguishes us from other animals. but marriage is man-made and cant last long in front of natural instincts (i know many wud disagree with me on this point!).



In most societies, man expects wife to forgive all his dalliances but raises hell if the wife strays even casually. this understanding on extra-marital affairs should be there both sides, else its just not fair.



if its apparent that the affair looks serious, its best to let go and see a lawyer. ladies shud never follow TV soaps and play Sati-Savitri, unless they are masochistic and want to play the martyr. But if there are kids present, its a sad situation, but inevitable if things dont seem to work out.



here r some tips to avoid 'affairs':



1) keep relationship fresh - do not confirm to society's image of a married couple. when u go out together, pretend to be a dating couple. be friends and have fun.



2) give each other enough space - this is very important. too much interference in the spouse's activities is dangerous.



3) build trust - do not harbour suspicion about what yr spouse is upto. do not object if he/she has close friends of opposite sex. also do not mind any casual flirting by your spouse, say, at work. its inevitable in today's world and completely harmless.



4) improve sex life - bad sex life is an important reason to stray. be innovative even after years of marriage. try all humanly possible postures from the kamasutra. watch porn films together. go kinky. take a hotel room for a day (or night). send kids to relatives house for a night and do it in the drawing room floor! try anything to make sex life exciting.



5) bring back romance - surprise yr wife with a gift, reminding him/her of courtship days. do not forget birthdays/anniversaries. take him/her out on surprise trips.



thats all i can think of right now.

[mysterious babe]

the tips u gave r good CAD.

[CtrlAltDel]

the tips u gave r good CAD.

thanX!



heres another tip i just remembered:



6) keep yourself healthy n fit - this applies both to men n women. exercise and dont go flabby after a few years of marriage. an out of shape spouse is a common catalyst for an affair. Before cribbing about how your spouse seems flabbier by the day, take a look at your own paunch. your spouse wud feel proud u if u look good and fit. another incentive- good sex life is possible ONLY if u r physically fit coz fitness => stamina => GOOD SEX! simple

[Happy Hyderabadi]

M, whether through A / L / P / R, is a "Mess" / "Rompi' / "Rochchu" / "Lafda" or by good fortune a "Success". Whatever, once should be enough! ... Why complicate / compound one's Life through "Attractions" / "Distractions" / "Affairs"?

[Happy Hyderabadi]

Pl understand this from one justly called "H P Cock":

"Wife here ... I fear ..."

Where fear or any other negative aspect "the Extra Bouncer" enters, M is threatened ... Well meaning Elders / Neighbours / Counsellers step in.

[Mayavi Morpheus]

thanks, MM at times i feel its better to keep the past to oneself unless we r very sure that the other person can accept such a past.

That is why its more important to let the other person know about ones past. If the other person cannot handle it before marriage, then it will be foolish to expect him/her to handle it after marriage when he/she comes to know about it from a third person. One need not tell each and every detail of the affair, but should let the other person know that we were involved in it.

As far as I am concerned, I feel its important to know about my partners past as its not the past that upsets me but the fact that she hid something from me that upsets me more. I told my girl friend about my past affairs, she couldnt handle it initially and broke off with me only to come back after two days. Later she told me about her past affairs and I was ok with that and now our relationship is stronger than it was before.



Bottomline, if there is love and trust in a relationship then there shall be no secrets and if there are secrets then there is no trust. Just my humble opinion. It just needs some mental preparation and you can handle any truth.



Ctrl:

Ka babua, aaj kal kuch jyada hi tips dene lage aap, ka baat hai? tauhre pe ek nazar dal ke rakhi hai manne, jyada kir kiri mat karna nahi to fatwa nikalna padega tauhre per.



Happy Hyderabadi:

aaadab/AOA/ namaste/hello Janab/huzur/sir/babu/ayya, you are using so many abbreviations that sometimes its difficult to understand what you are saying and the humor is also lost sometimes due to that.

[asli_badmash]

Awesome points Ctrl, PMoW, MayaviMorph and MysteryBabe. So true.



AM and LM are different in the sense that if AM fails you have your parents to blame, but if LM fails your parents blame you.



I think people should be open about their past and disclose whatever they think is going to cause problems in future. But do that in the best possible way that does not jeopardise the current realtionship. Its better you disclose stuff the way you want to present it, rather than your partner finding some contorted version of it from some third person. And the truth will come out, so it better come from you.



Ladies: Me being a guy, I can tell you we guys can only take so much, so please dont go into the details of how you kissed, where you kissed and for how long? It only means you are not over your past and we will dump you !



Dont marry insecure people, even if they get over your past for now, what is the guarentee that they wont bring it up again ?



~badmash~

[CtrlAltDel]

... Why complicate / compound one's Life through "Attractions" / "Distractions" / "Affairs"?

nobody wants these things to happen, but yeh sab khud ho jata hai...it depends on the person's will power n belief whether he/she succumbs to temptations or not.

Ctrl: Ka babua, aaj kal kuch jyada hi tips dene lage aap, ka baat hai? tauhre pe ek nazar dal ke rakhi hai manne, jyada kir kiri mat karna nahi to fatwa nikalna padega tauhre per.

bas...sab aapki dua hi...ka karen? aaj kal aisi baatein zyada dimag mein aate hain...friends ko advice de-deke aadat si ho gayi hai...maaf karna saheb...par kya aap shaadi shuda ho?

...if LM fails your parents blame you

thats what all parents threaten their kid with if he/she wants a love marriage!

Dont marry insecure people, even if they get over your past for now, what is the guarentee that they wont bring it up again ?

exactly! thats why i said we have to reveal all before the start of the relationship. if the partner seems upset, thats the danger sign...