Challenge with wife - need help

[Friend]

Ours is an arranged marriage. My wife is too traditional and sometimes modern too. My wife has lot of complaints with me. The real challenge is that while I can bear with these complaints, she is getting violent if I do not obey to her words. This violent behaviour has started recently. She smashes her head to the wall with anger if I do not obey her words. While I can obey some of her words, some things I cannot. This kind of behaviour started with the incident sometime around one and half a month back wherin I had to visit hair cutting saloon because my hair looked untidy.



However, she doesn't want me to visit there. I disobeyed and the moment I came, there was a big fight and she started smashing her head to the wall. Similarly, when I received a phone call from my mother, I have lifted the call without asking her. Because of lifting the phone without asking her, she got angry and became violent again. She wants me to be talking to her continuously and spend time with her whenever I am at home. My problem is that I do not talk much inspite of my best efforts. I have the patience to listen but the only talks that come between us are money and how my mother has behaved with her five years back when we were staying with my mother. She is not willing to forget past and focus on the current and be happy. She stays alone in the house and her situation is getting worse day by day.



She doesn't want to come to any counsellor, nor do any meditation, nor attend any courses which can divert her attention. The only thing in which she is interested is a job that too I have to look out for her and get her because earlier when she was working, I could not cooperate with her on household chores and she felt sick thereby loosing the job. I am trying my best but in vain. She is very sensitive and cannot tolerate any kind of injustice, or words which hurt her.



Now the violent behaviour has become a regular phenomena and I am worried how to face this challenge.

[Sharjeel]

I have a friend who used to behave like that. He tried to murder his sister and kept his mother locked up. Otherwise he was perfectly sane and amiable. We stopped meeting him regularly after his latest attempt to blow himself up. It is really impossible to deal with thse kinds of people.



She may be suffering from a similar mental disorder. Get professional help.

[Betty]

She may be suffering from a similar mental disorder.

Sherry, I don't think that it is a mental 'disorder', though she might need professional help as you suggest. Most of these cases occur because the person wants to get your attention, is frustrated, and also feels insecured.


'Friend', I can sense from your post that she has some problems with your mom. Also, from your post:

I could not cooperate with her on household chores and she felt sick thereby loosing the job.

it is evident that you are a whole lot to be blamed for the situation, so maybe you can now support her when she brings out that 'list' of complaints and say that 'yes, I was wrong'.

She is not willing to forget past and focus on the current and be happy.

To let the past go, you will need to agree with her and assure her that she is important for you. This will actually help put balm over her bruises and help her move on in life.



When it comes to most women, ignoring them will never solve the problem, you will need to sit and discuss it with her without blaming her. Other than finding a solution, the discussion will also make her feel that you are giving her undivided attention, which she wants.

[daisy]

marriage is scary

[Friend]

[quote="Betty"][quote="Sharjeel"] She may be suffering from a similar mental disorder. [/quote]



Sherry, I don't think that it is a mental 'disorder', though she might need professional help as you suggest. Most of these cases occur because the person wants to get your attention, is frustrated, and also feels insecured.





'Friend', I can sense from your post that she has some problems with your mom. Also, from your post:

[quote="Friend"] I could not cooperate with her on household chores and she felt sick thereby loosing the job. [/quote]

it is evident that you are a whole lot to be blamed for the situation, so maybe you can now support her when she brings out that 'list' of complaints and say that 'yes, I was wrong'.





[quote="Friend"] She is not willing to forget past and focus on the current and be happy. [/quote]



To let the past go, you will need to agree with her and assure her that she is important for you. This will actually help put balm over her bruises and help her move on in life.



When it comes to most women, ignoring them will never solve the problem, you will need to sit and discuss it with her without blaming her. Other than finding a solution, the discussion will also make her feel that you are giving her undivided attention, which she wants.[/quote]



'Betty', I did all this. Unfortunately I was not able to keep the promises like:

"She wants me to get up daily at 4.00 a.m. - but was not able to"

"She wants me to talk to her continuously - but was not able to"

"She wants me not give any money for my mother - yes, I was able to"

"She doent want any questions from me - but was not able to - because, I could not resist asking her whether she has eaten today or not, how is she doing etc." She does not eat in my absence."

"She wants me to be assertive and give fitting replies to anyone who ignores or undervalues us, especially my mother or brothers - was not able to"

"She wants me to stop drinking tea - I stopped in my house but in office was not able to". The list goes on endlessly. My point here is I feel that there needs to be some personal space and respect each other. She does not listen to my any of the words. Saturdays and Sundays are holidays for me and I wanted to take her to any of the places. She is concerned about money and instead wants me to spend time with her staying at home. If I stay at home, I get sleep in the afternoons and she gets angry if I sleep. Now, Saturdays and Sundays have become horrible for me.

[Sharjeel]

^^ Written by a female alright!



Good points Betty.

She may be suffering from a similar mental disorder.

Sherry, I don't think that it is a mental 'disorder', though she might need professional help as you suggest. Most of these cases occur because the person wants to get your attention, is frustrated, and also feels insecured.

Guess my own experience made me over-react.



'Friend', Betty has given you a new direction of thought. You admit yourself that you may not be much of a talker, more of a listener. Although there is nothing wrong in that, maybe your wife demands and deserves more.



EDIT: While I was posting the above, i noticed that 'Friend' replied.



Considering your reply, me can only suggest one thing: Leave her alone for some months by herself. Let her stay at her own house, or you may go to an extended holiday yourslef.



Maybe you/she may get over whatever problem you may be having with each other during the break. If it still doesnt work out, .



Please seek professional cousnelling; we people cannot help you.

[lonewolf]

You can take her out on a vacation for a week or so.



And while you're on your vacation, turn your cellphone off, and keep absolutely NO contact with friends and the other members of your family. A few days of total privacy with a large serving or romance may calm her down. And tell her how much you love her. Don't assume she already knows you love her, so you don't need to say it. Women like to her the "I love you" a lot. Also, don't plagiarise any romantic poems or one liners; say what you want from your heart. Maintain eye-contact all the time when you're talking to her.



All the best.

[Betty]

She may be suffering from a similar mental disorder.

Sherry, I don't think that it is a mental 'disorder', though she might need professional help as you suggest. Most of these cases occur because the person wants to get your attention, is frustrated, and also feels insecured.

'Betty', I did all this. Unfortunately I was not able to keep the promises like:
"She wants me to get up daily at 4.00 a.m. - but was not able to"

Sorry, I take back my words.

I second sherry, she needs professional help and both of you need counselling to resolve the issue.

[SeH]

No Hard feelings... I dunno y she wants to dominate you so much. Wats the point she wants to prove....I agree that you were wrong and werent besides here when she needed you. Is shez challenging you ego?

"She wants me to get up daily at 4.00 a.m. - but was not able to"

Y get up so early?

"She wants me not give any money for my mother - yes, I was able to"

Ur mother dedicated herself in grooming you and u deny her when she needs u...hmmmm....strongly disagree

"She doent want any questions from me - but was not able to - because, I could not resist asking her whether she has eaten today or not, how is she doing etc." She does not eat in my absence."

Nice of her...

"She wants me to be assertive and give fitting replies to anyone who ignores or undervalues us, especially my mother or brothers - was not able to"

She is rite to an extent

"She wants me to stop drinking tea - I stopped in my house but in office was not able to". The list goes on endlessly.

Y stop tea? wats wrong with it? shez is lucky enuf tat u prolly dont booze and smoke

[SeH]

Ours is an arranged marriage. My wife is too traditional and sometimes modern too. My wife has lot of complaints with me. The real challenge is that while I can bear with these complaints, she is getting violent if I do not obey to her words. This violent behaviour has started recently. She smashes her head to the wall with anger if I do not obey her words. While I can obey some of her words, some things I cannot. This kind of behaviour started with the incident sometime around one and half a month back wherin I had to visit hair cutting saloon because my hair looked untidy.

However, she doesn't want me to visit there. I disobeyed and the moment I came, there was a big fight and she started smashing her head to the wall. Similarly, when I received a phone call from my mother, I have lifted the call without asking her. Because of lifting the phone without asking her, she got angry and became violent again. She wants me to be talking to her continuously and spend time with her whenever I am at home. My problem is that I do not talk much inspite of my best efforts. I have the patience to listen but the only talks that come between us are money and how my mother has behaved with her five years back when we were staying with my mother. She is not willing to forget past and focus on the current and be happy. She stays alone in the house and her situation is getting worse day by day.

She doesn't want to come to any counsellor, nor do any meditation, nor attend any courses which can divert her attention. The only thing in which she is interested is a job that too I have to look out for her and get her because earlier when she was working, I could not cooperate with her on household chores and she felt sick thereby loosing the job. I am trying my best but in vain. She is very sensitive and cannot tolerate any kind of injustice, or words which hurt her.

Now the violent behaviour has become a regular phenomena and I am worried how to face this challenge.

All you can do is talk to her real smooth and in a way know whats she really wants. The best thing as you told is find her a job as soon as possilbe, becasue thats the only thing she is desparately willing to do and help her during the regular household chores. Let her know ur trials for finding her a job, what she means to you and make feel her importance to you.

[Lucifer]

Damn, I love these threads. No, I am not being sadistic and all. Just being me. But does anyone really think any of what this guy said is true? I mean these threads have been cropping up on fullhyd far too frequently for them all to be real life incidents.

[SeH]

Damn, I love these threads. No, I am not being sadistic and all. Just being me. But does anyone really think any of what this guy said is true? I mean these threads have been cropping up on fullhyd far too frequently for them all to be real life incidents.

If true n our suggestions help .... we here can be the counselors.... how does tat sound

[asli_badmash]

How is your Sex life FRIEND!!



Maybe people wouldnt smash thier heads if they are getting what they want.. you know what I am saying.



Maybe all she needs as someone pointed out is some good romance and some good loving. DAMN man read your woman.



It is TRUE.. half the marital problems are either because the bed aint shaking or it be shaking too damn much.

[Jaan]

How is your Sex life FRIEND!!

Maybe people wouldnt smash thier heads if they are getting what they want.. you know what I am saying.

Maybe all she needs as someone pointed out is some good romance and some good loving. DAMN man read your woman.

It is TRUE.. half the marital problems are either because the bed aint shaking or it be shaking too damn much.

ah, sigh! Dr. Badmash had arrived people! I was wondering why no one mentioned the sex subject yet.



Follow all the advice given so nicely by all the reg FHians. BUT, remember timing is everything. You can say things sweetly and sound dumb and mean at the wrong time!



My succint advice:

Get marriage counseling. Stay away from your or her immediately family for a while. I have read her side of demands or expectations, what are yours for this marriage? And, don't say, I want a good marriage, a good wife. You need to be as specific as her! Btw, how long have you been married and are there any kids involved?



Dr. Jaan

[asli_badmash]

Intresting prognosis Dr.Jaan...



Are you not missing the point that the Woman is a DRAMA QUEEN!



Whats with the head-banging. Maybe it will go to self mutilation later... and she will blame it all on the husband. As if he got her to do it.



The woman in question needs DRAMA in her life. The best way to handle such a situation is to give her DRAMA. You become her... When she bangs her head on the wall next time. You join in.. maybe thats not such a good idea.. but it would be funny to watch two people go at it.



Here is a parallel from the anals of psychology:



You go to your masters house and he makes tea for you. He sits the cup in front of you and has a stick in his hand. He orders you to drink the tea. And when you go to pick the tea cup he whacks you with the stick. You have to drink the tea and be whacked. What would you do...



The answer my dear Dr.Jaan is take the stick from the Master and beat the shit out of him while making him drink the tea. The master is so busy trying to think what to do that he wouldnt resort to any of his gimmicks.



Now you connect the dots...



If you give DRAMA to wife she will not give DRAMA to you...



If I were you and she would bang her head on the wall I would ask her to maybe bang it a little harder and just walk away from her as if nothing has happened. Maybe take care of her later after the ACT 1 of the drama has ended and then talk to her about her problems.



Remember "TAKE AWAY THE STICK!"

[asli_badmash]

Here is a parallel from the anals of psychology:

God damn it.. I mean ANNALS.

[lonewolf]

Whats with the head-banging.

I had a roommate who would bang his head and hit the wall with his fists too. Bugger dented the wall in a few places

[asli_badmash]

Whats with the head-banging.

I had a roommate who would bang his head and hit the wall with his fists too. Bugger dented the wall in a few places

Thats what head bangers do man... dent the freaking walls!



Did I mention I dont like HEAD-BANGERS! They suck... and I dont mean that litrally.

[lonewolf]

Whats with the head-banging.

I had a roommate who would bang his head and hit the wall with his fists too. Bugger dented the wall in a few places

Thats what head bangers do man... dent the freaking walls!

Did I mention I dont like HEAD-BANGERS! They suck... and I dont mean that litrally.

I wish the walls in the US were like walls in India - made of stone or cement

[**]

get divored. why try to save a ship whose rudder is damaged beyond repair.
Even if you try and change and do all that the other partner wants you to do , that wont be you and u will get back to urself soon enough.
Get divorced and end the misery for both of you.

[kk]

get divored. why try to save a ship whose rudder is damaged beyond repair.
Even if you try and change and do all that the other partner wants you to do , that wont be you and u will get back to urself soon enough.
Get divorced and end the misery for both of you.

you gonna get couple of divorses for sure, man!

nevermind.

[Jaan]

Intresting prognosis Dr.Jaan...

Are you not missing the point that the Woman is a DRAMA QUEEN!

Whats with the head-banging. Maybe it will go to self mutilation later... and she will blame it all on the husband. As if he got her to do it.

The woman in question needs DRAMA in her life. The best way to handle such a situation is to give her DRAMA. You become her... When she bangs her head on the wall next time. You join in.. maybe thats not such a good idea.. but it would be funny to watch two people go at it.

Hmm, keen observation, Dr. Badmash. I do not recommend the eye for eye remedy for two reasons: 1. this all could be very real (i.e. no drama from her, although the situation looks like a classic case) and 2. it has the possibility of pushing her over the edge. In any case, the path is very dangerous and I call for calm. There are still some odd variables we do not have information on - the kids and his list of demands.

[quote: Dr. badmash]Here is a parallel from the anals of psychology:

You go to your masters house and he makes tea for you. He sits the cup in front of you and has a stick in his hand. He orders you to drink the tea. And when you go to pick the tea cup he whacks you with the stick. You have to drink the tea and be whacked. What would you do...

The answer my dear Dr.Jaan is take the stick from the Master and beat the shit out of him while making him drink the tea. The master is so busy trying to think what to do that he wouldnt resort to any of his gimmicks.
[/quote]
Witty, Dr. Badmash! But, are you actually suggesting violence? I fear in our case, it just may escalate it into more marital abuse! And, now from both sides, it going to be a stalemate! Stalemate in this case is NOT A SOLUTION!

Now you connect the dots...

I hope our patient is...



Jaan

[asli_badmash]

Hmm, keen observation, Dr. Badmash. I do not recommend the eye for eye remedy for two reasons: 1. this all could be very real (i.e. no drama from her, although the situation looks like a classic case) and 2. it has the possibility of pushing her over the edge. In any case, the path is very dangerous and I call for calm. There are still some odd variables we do not have information on - the kids and his list of demands.

The is not an eye for an eye remedy Dr.Jaan this is a practical solution. The woman should be considered a hostile subject, she is terrorising the husband and will keep doing that unless he gives into her demands. Which we dont know... So lets analyze. She is holding her husband hostage and making no demands. What kind of a sick woman would do something like this. Unless the man himself is lying. Friend if you are lying I will personally come and smash your head into the wall for troubling a good woman.

I hope our patient is... Jaan

I hope for his good he is. Can I send him a pencil as a gift for visiting our clinic ? to you know connect the dots. Can I??

[paris_dakar]

Intresting prognosis Dr.Jaan...

Are you not missing the point that the Woman is a DRAMA QUEEN!

Whats with the head-banging. Maybe it will go to self mutilation later... and she will blame it all on the husband. As if he got her to do it.

The woman in question needs DRAMA in her life. The best way to handle such a situation is to give her DRAMA. You become her... When she bangs her head on the wall next time. You join in.. maybe thats not such a good idea.. but it would be funny to watch two people go at it.

Here is a parallel from the anals of psychology:

You go to your masters house and he makes tea for you. He sits the cup in front of you and has a stick in his hand. He orders you to drink the tea. And when you go to pick the tea cup he whacks you with the stick. You have to drink the tea and be whacked. What would you do...

The answer my dear Dr.Jaan is take the stick from the Master and beat the shit out of him while making him drink the tea. The master is so busy trying to think what to do that he wouldnt resort to any of his gimmicks.

Now you connect the dots...

If you give DRAMA to wife she will not give DRAMA to you...

If I were you and she would bang her head on the wall I would ask her to maybe bang it a little harder and just walk away from her as if nothing has happened. Maybe take care of her later after the ACT 1 of the drama has ended and then talk to her about her problems.

Remember "TAKE AWAY THE STICK!"

hey man, you really hit the spot on that one..had me laghing my ass off!!!

Anyway...get her some help, call the PoLIce...join in the theatrics! Those things that Friend has described her doing...normal people don't bang their heads over a friggin cuppa chai! And i say that..because...read on..

Hey friend, being a sick, twisted f*&k myself, I have a strong feeling that it aint about you...its her and nuthin you do would bring about any change. The worst thing you could do is try and appease.

[Jaan]

I hope our patient is... Jaan

I hope for his good he is. Can I send him a pencil as a gift for visiting our clinic ? to you know connect the dots. Can I??

sigh

allright, but no wierd stuff or prescriptions...only a pencil with our clinic name and contact info.



Dr. Jaan