A friend in need

[Jasz]

Quit spamming SS

[SimarikSmokin]

i am not spamming u are the king of spams

[Truffles]

Ok so what flavors do u come in? i have senstive teeth so i can't have chocolate

Re- Well the flavors of my life dear. Amaretto, Cinnamon & Aniseed- Nutty & smoky while starting, spicy while going, and an after taste to leave behind when ending.

Like them?





You can have me and I wont be hard on your teeth.

[Kavita]

Ok so what flavors do u come in? i have senstive teeth so i can't have chocolate

Hi SS,



Good that u r spamming this thread too, a thread where a person is discussing his friend's problem.



I appreciate ur sensitive teeth and sense of wonderful spamming but when u r insensitive to a fellow being's problem, how can u be sensitive to the needs of the orphans u r going to adopt (as u said in one of ur previous threads)? Saying or thinking 'I will do this, that, help the helpless, needy, poor, etc' will not make u eligible or capable of doing them. If u really want to acheive ur goals, start preparing yourself to take up them. Or was it just a passing thought of which u do not have any intentions to realize?



If u had that doubt about Truffles, u should have started another thread as u usally do. And we all are used your threads.



Friends,

I again request everyone here to stop spamming sensitive threads.

[Kavita]

Ok so what flavors do u come in? i have senstive teeth so i can't have chocolate

Hi SS,



Good that u r spamming this thread too, a thread where a person is discussing his friend's problem.



I appreciate ur sensitive teeth and sense of wonderful spamming but when u r insensitive to a fellow being's problem, how can u be sensitive to the needs of the orphans u r going to adopt (as u said in one of ur previous threads)? Saying or thinking 'I will do this, that, help the helpless, needy, poor, etc' will not make u eligible or capable of doing them. If u really want to acheive ur goals, start preparing yourself to take up them. Or was it just a passing thought of which u do not have any intentions to realize?



If u had that doubt about Truffles, u should have started another thread as u usally do. And we all are used your threads.



Friends,

I again request everyone on the DB to stop spamming sensitive threads.

[Kavita]

Sorry for my double post above.

Hi Truffles,

I have been in similar situations in my recent past. I thought I would give my opinion.

Thanks Kavita,
Well you said you been in a similar situation..have you successfully come out of it? Is life all fine and dandy now?

Yes, I have successfully come out that separation phase but only with the support of my family especially my brother and my close friends. And I am financially independent too, since the begining of my marriage. That phase of mine was deadly. Even now, at times (rarely) I feel very lonely, except that, all else is fine.



With all this support I felt terrible during that time. Especially handling my job. I think it will be more difficult for ur friend. Change of place would definitely make a difference, whether she decides to get seperated or not. The change and time will help take a proper decission too. But ask her not to take a hasty decission. After all, she married her love. I think its only lack of understanding and respect for each others needs, has brought her into this situation.

[Truffles]

Sorry for my double post above.

Hi Truffles,

I have been in similar situations in my recent past. I thought I would give my opinion.

Thanks Kavita,
Well you said you been in a similar situation..have you successfully come out of it? Is life all fine and dandy now?

Yes, I have successfully come out that separation phase but only with the support of my family especially my brother and my close friends. And I am financially independent too, since the begining of my marriage. That phase of mine was deadly. Even now, at times (rarely) I feel very lonely, except that, all else is fine.

With all this support I felt terrible during that time. Especially handling my job. I think it will be more difficult for ur friend. Change of place would definitely make a difference, whether she decides to get seperated or not. The change and time will help take a proper decission too. But ask her not to take a hasty decission. After all, she married her love. I think its only lack of understanding and respect for each others needs, has brought her into this situation.

Yes i understand. Well I suppose family is always the best resort in such times..and understnding parents and friends often make a big difference. Im glad you have found your independence. The biggest challenge of course in a lot of our lives is finding the right balance in expectations from each other in a relationship isnt it? I find it very sad that in a lot of cases, the children end up being the reason why a couple, which has emotionally drifted apart, continues to hang on to the relationship. In my friends case in the last three yrs, they havent planned kids though I do know that the hubby was keen on it.

Well I was wondering..in a love marriage where two end up living together without practically thinking through the pros and cons of a relationship..lets say one is very intelligent and ambitious..and the other is a regular person.."aam aadmi", most of the things that might appear crazy and completely out of bounds for the former, would perhaps appear just normal for the latter and vice versa. One may take risks instinctively and the other may run for cover at the most trivial of situations. In such cases, even if they were to promise to make amends and compromise, can there be lasting solution. after all love is blind but marriage opens all eyes and much more. What do you think Kavita?

[Kavita]

In my friends case in the last three yrs, they havent planned kids though I do know that the hubby was keen on it.

Good that they didnt have any children. Imagine the plight of the children, if they had any. Ok, leave this point, lets not imagine things and bother about them. But the wise say, before a child is born, the couple looks at each other for their good things or faults. Once a child comes, the focus moves on to the child. Theory again! It again takes sensible ppl to make this true.

Well I was wondering..in a love marriage where two end up living together without practically thinking through the pros and cons of a relationship..

Its over now. This is past. So thinking about this is useless, in your freind's case. But in general, its advised, compatibility of living together should be given a good, serious and through thought before marraige.

lets say one is very intelligent and ambitious..and the other is a regular person.."aam aadmi", most of the things that might appear crazy and completely out of bounds for the former, would perhaps appear just normal for the latter and vice versa.

I will not call a person intellegent who does not know how to keep up things one has taken up and thrives for accomplising ambitions. Remember, in a marriage the couple wows to take up responsibility of each other.

And living a married itself is a huge task, an ambition, for which the couple got married. One cant go hay-wire as in bachelorhood. Smallest of the small things come up, like one is allergitic to AC or has asthama, the other has to adjust to it. And its for the rest of the life. Imagine how big a problem this will seem to be initially and think of, if the other person is not ready to adjust. And biggest of the biggest problems, if the ambitious person is a women and no one to take care of children. Or the couple facing a road accident. I wonder how our elders live/lived their married lives.

One may take risks instinctively and the other may run for cover at the most trivial of situations.

C'mon Truffle, its good na there is some one to give a cover. Isn't that living for each other.

In such cases, even if they were to promise to make amends and compromise, can there be lasting solution. after all love is blind but marriage opens all eyes and much more.

I can reiterate only one thing,

aadatein badli jasakthi hai, soch nahi - in the movie Swades

If the problem is in habbits, an attempt can be made to change them. Its hard though. But if the problem is in opinions, I dont think any promises will help it. No two people are born 100% compatible, its their understanding, compromising nature on trivial things and maturity to handle situations will lead to compatibility.

[CtrlAltDel]

good points kavitha!



u need to post more, y'know!



at the end of this discussion one shud not hastily label love marriages as a risky proposition. such conflicts occur in arranged marriages too, but usually stays suppressed for the sake of so-called 'tradition'.

[Kavita]

Problem with love marriages is, ppl are marrying without knowing, thinking what love is or marriage is.



All that comes to their mind is the sweet moments they spend with each other in the park, restaurant, coffee club etc. This is termed Love. And BANG!! comes the thought 'I can't live without my love'. And forget that for them to spend those moments, some one in their house took care of their laundry, food, cleanliness, college fee, etc. While this is marriage. They forget that, in Love we potray only our positive side most of the time. While in Marriage, negative side too has to be dealt with.



Living life on others (replace with family) is quite easy, be it financilay or the way I said above. With marriage starts, we giving life to others (replace children and spouse).

[ilayaraja_fan]

in Love we potray only our positive side most of the time

I think this applies to a minority.. will this be true in the case of ppl who r really serious about their lives? I dont think so

[san]

in Love we potray only our positive side most of the time

I think this applies to a minority.. will this be true in the case of ppl who r really serious about their lives? I dont think so

Kavita has a valid point. In an situation be it love/arranged marriage, dating or an interview we aim to project our best. It's only later that one gets comfy and all other traits, habits etc show up.

[CtrlAltDel]

in Love we potray only our positive side most of the time

I think this applies to a minority.. will this be true in the case of ppl who r really serious about their lives? I dont think so

Kavita has a valid point. In an situation be it love/arranged marriage, dating or an interview we aim to project our best. It's only later that one gets comfy and all other traits, habits etc show up.

this cud be valid only in cases where ppl decide to marry merely a few months after meeting/knowing each other. the couple have to know each other for at least 2-3 years before considering marriage. in that period we can generally know the mentality of the other person.

[Truffles]

in Love we potray only our positive side most of the time

I think this applies to a minority.. will this be true in the case of ppl who r really serious about their lives? I dont think so

Kavita has a valid point. In an situation be it love/arranged marriage, dating or an interview we aim to project our best. It's only later that one gets comfy and all other traits, habits etc show up.

this cud be valid only in cases where ppl decide to marry merely a few months after meeting/knowing each other. the couple have to know each other for at least 2-3 years before considering marriage. in that period we can generally know the mentality of the other person.

If there is love..then there is no problem big enough that you cant solve. Its true that we do potray our best side when we start dating..but then whats wrong..that holds true with every species in the animal kingdom. We live in a dynamic state and we are constantly absorbing new experiences which influence our thinking and approach to life. I think if the relationship based on love and understanding is strong and true, a couple will survive through all the negatives and revel in the positives. Also when two people are in love I dont think they should sit and ponder over the positives and negatives and judge each other..that seems like the perfect recipe for disaster.

I know of this couple, where the husband ended up in jail as he committed some financial fraud. He lost his money, lost his parents' support and was driven to isolation in a hyderabad jail. But the one person, despite all odds, stuck with him through those troubled times. Its been 4 yrs now and he is a changed man thanks to jail time and back in business but careful to keep it clean, and more importantly, is with his wife.





Kavita has made some very valid points..Bravo! Tres Bien!

[Jaan]

I have a friend who is deperately in need of good advice

I hope I am not too late to put my two cents in



and I trust my wise friends on this forum can help me out here.

Another case for Dr. Jaan, no problem!



The deal is that she fell in love with this guy, got married against her parents wishes and then moved to UK with him.

Great move on the girl’s part but against the parents wishes, aye there were bound to be problems.



Three years later she has run away and returned home to family. The last three yrs..she spent realizing that she made a big mistake by marrying a guy who does not love her, illtreats her, watches pornos behind her back and expects her to slave for him.

There are ups and downs in every marriage. Some experts say that in a love marriage the first five years are the hardest because it is not the feeling of love but the responsibility that comes with it that sticks with you once you tie that knot. And we are hearing only one side of the story. Maybe love is blind.



The situation now is that its been six months and the guy has been calling her with the promise to make amends. She is under pressure from her father to either take his call or study further in the US.

I would recommend her to take up one more chance with her husband because who knows? Maybe he did change and they will live happily ever after. But if the girl is of an independent nature (and she is, such as this act of marriage in defiance of her parents shows) she will not be happy tied down with a slob.



The latter, she simply isnt prepared to do..and the former..she is prepared to do but with a sense of fear and uncertainity. What she actually wants to do is to pursue her own career in fashion...which again hasnt gone down too well with her parents..

I suggest that she try and live with her husband for 6 months and weigh how things are. If it works out, it works out. If not, I suggest her getting a divorce lawyer and close that chapter of her life quickly. I hope she doesn’t get pregnant in this process that can twist and turn things nasty.

I suggest she also take up the offer of her parents to study in the US. Maybe she can start in Business and then pursue a career in fashion. If she is very passionate about it, she should be successful because a career in fashion is not easy and not all that glamorous like in the magazines. I would recommend that she intern or volunteer for a fashion consultant and feel out the field that this IS something she wants and sees herself doing this for the next 5-10 years etc.



Bottom line: your friend has to make a decision and fast, there isn’t too much time and I fear that the pressure will get to her soon. Whatever she decides, it has to be without strings attached from the other side, else forget it because she is not the type of girl that is happy in a situation like that.



She can go back to her old life and change it but seriously, I doubt it. She can try new things and hopefully won’t repeat the same kind of mistakes.



Jaan

(I haven’t read through all the replies on this thread, so sorry if I contradict or repeat ideas previously mentioned)

[Kavita]

Its true that we do potray our best side when we start dating..but then whats wrong...

Nothing wrong in that, I only say that one must sensible enough to come out of the so called love after a while and see the person as he/she is. After all, its the negavites we will have problem with.

[Sujatha]

Black wizard wrote

Haan haan theek hai theek hai

thus increase your post count.



best wishes



bi

[san]

in Love we potray only our positive side most of the time

I think this applies to a minority.. will this be true in the case of ppl who r really serious about their lives? I dont think so

Kavita has a valid point. In an situation be it love/arranged marriage, dating or an interview we aim to project our best. It's only later that one gets comfy and all other traits, habits etc show up.

this cud be valid only in cases where ppl decide to marry merely a few months after meeting/knowing each other. the couple have to know each other for at least 2-3 years before considering marriage. in that period we can generally know the mentality of the other person.

How many people have the chance to to get to know someone for 2-3 years? If it's an arranged one it's even more difficult to break up in case after 2-3 years you realise that this person is not your type! A lot people end up getting married after just few meets.

[Truffles]

in Love we potray only our positive side most of the time

I think this applies to a minority.. will this be true in the case of ppl who r really serious about their lives? I dont think so

Kavita has a valid point. In an situation be it love/arranged marriage, dating or an interview we aim to project our best. It's only later that one gets comfy and all other traits, habits etc show up.

this cud be valid only in cases where ppl decide to marry merely a few months after meeting/knowing each other. the couple have to know each other for at least 2-3 years before considering marriage. in that period we can generally know the mentality of the other person.

How many people have the chance to to get to know someone for 2-3 years? If it's an arranged one it's even more difficult to break up in case after 2-3 years you realise that this person is not your type! A lot people end up getting married after just few meets.

I agree with this completely. In India especially where the parental involvement in our lives is much more than in the west the idea of going around with someone for two to three yrs is quite far fetched. Most people would not be comfortable with this idea. As it is there is a lot of pressure from parents to find the right mate aftre considering several factors including background, education levels, character, and so on, and more often than not the marriages are arranged here. Imagine the plight of a person who is in a relationship with someone for two three yrs and then finds out he/she is not right..I think the situation is as good as if he she were married and then broke up in terms what they could expect from parents and society and themselves. There is never any perfect course of action for these decisions. If heart and head are involved I suppose the decisions could end up in success rather than if the decision were made purely on the basis of blind love.

In the west people go out for longer than three yrs and are still uncertain about their futures together, and it is very habitual for most to decide that a certain relationship is not right and go their different ways after many yrs...get over their momentary depression with a dose of Prozac and some booze. However people do not have the responsibilities like we do here in India in terms of the role families play in marriages..after all it is so true in India that when two people marry its two families that come together and as individuals we cannot simply ignore this fact.

[CtrlAltDel]

How many people have the chance to to get to know someone for 2-3 years?

its not difficuclt very few can keep up an act for that long!

A lot people end up getting married after just few meets.

thats the main problem with both the kinds of marriages!

[salamehyderabad]

She messed it up..... Let her fix it dude...

[P_P_F]

i think many probz in life jst need a bit of patience n time 2 b solved..

[san]

How many people have the chance to to get to know someone for 2-3 years?

its not difficuclt very few can keep up an act for that long! [quote="san"]



erm how excatly is this 'not difficult' mate? we r talking about India, majority of marriages are arranged...how many have u seen taking 2-3years and then deciding? sounds like u have been lucky but most end up in a wed lock without really knowing much about the other person.

[CtrlAltDel]

How many people have the chance to to get to know someone for 2-3 years?

its not difficuclt very few can keep up an act for that long!

erm how excatly is this 'not difficult' mate? we r talking about India, majority of marriages are arranged...how many have u seen taking 2-3years and then deciding? sounds like u have been lucky but most end up in a wed lock without really knowing much about the other person.

hey! i was talking abt love marriages....

[Habitual Perfectionist]

I tend to disagree with CAD here (Something where we've either never been on the same plane or something where our views just don't match - but this debate has been going on for quite some time).



Its not really a matter of time but a matter of how serious the people involved in a relationship are. If the people are committed enough, time is not a factor really. I speak from personal experience here. I had a 1 year courtship before getting married (this is quite less compared to your safer limit of 2-3 years). And the actual commitment of marriage was made barely 4 months into the relationship.



We've had our own share of positives and negatives and after all this, one thing I'm very sure about is that Love does conquer all (I'm not talking about the M&B kind of love here). I'm sure that many here would say that there is no such thing as true love and that it exists only in storybooks. But believe me...I've experienced it and its an experience of a lifetime.



Speaking of Truffles' friend, I've read all replies carefully and my personal feeling is that it's too early to profer solutions as we really don't know the real situation with the people concerned. There might be so many other factors to this, to which truffles might be oblivious. IMO, such situations should be discussed only when the people affected (or atleast one) are themselves part of the discussion. Otherwise, the solutions mentioned here can very well be a case of one man's honey, another's poison.



So....please be careful people.