A friend in need

[Truffles]

Hi folks,

I have a friend who is deperately in need of good advice and I trust my wise friends on this forum can help me out here. The deal is that she fell in love with this guy, got married against her parents wishes and then moved to UK with him. Three years later she has run away and returned home to family. The last three yrs..she spent realizing that she made a big mistake by marrying a guy who does not love her, illtreats her, watches pornos behind her back and expects her to slave for him.

The situation now is that its been six months and the guy has been calling her with the promise to make amends. She is under pressure from her father to either take his call or study further in the US. The latter, she simply isnt prepared to do..and the former..she is prepared to do but with a sense of fear and uncertainity. What she actually wants to do is to pursue her own career in fashion...which again hasnt gone down too well with her parents..

Now if my friends here could offer some words of wisdom and come up with a suitable solution, Id be greatful.



Thanks.

[lizard king]

Hi folks,
I have a friend who is deperately in need of good advice and I trust my wise friends on this forum can help me out here. The deal is that she fell in love with this guy, got married against her parents wishes and then moved to UK with him. Three years later she has run away and returned home to family. The last three yrs..she spent realizing that she made a big mistake by marrying a guy who does not love her, illtreats her, watches pornos behind her back and expects her to slave for him.
The situation now is that its been six months and the guy has been calling her with the promise to make amends. She is under pressure from her father to either take his call or study further in the US. The latter, she simply isnt prepared to do..and the former..she is prepared to do but with a sense of fear and uncertainity. What she actually wants to do is to pursue her own career in fashion...which again hasnt gone down too well with her parents..
Now if my friends here could offer some words of wisdom and come up with a suitable solution, Id be greatful.

Thanks.

if i were ur friend, i d take my chances with the guy.

[auxiliary_]

hhhmmm men are dogs (proud of it) I doubt guy will change

i say that she go find another man, she made a mistake by following this guy mistake is only a mistake when its repeated

and if she does decide to hook back up (its been 3 yrs) she needs to have a smarter better non-slave relationship

there are many guys out there but oh so little women for them

[CtrlAltDel]

..she fell in love with this guy, got married against her parents wishes and then moved to UK with him. Three years later she has run away and returned home to family.

"Marry in haste, repent at leisure..."

The last three yrs..she spent realizing that she made a big mistake by marrying a guy who does not love her, illtreats her, watches pornos behind her back and expects her to slave for him.

watching pornos can never be grounds for separation. maybe he watches behind her back coz she hates pornos. let her join him in watching it..that wud solve quarter of her problems at least. now plz dont tell me watching porno is a crime or sin

The situation now is that its been six months and the guy has been calling her with the promise to make amends. She is under pressure from her father to either take his call or study further in the US. she simply isnt prepared to do..and the former..she is prepared to do but with a sense of fear and uncertainity.

divorce should be the last resort if all else fails. its no easy decision. IMO she shud give that guy a benefit of doubt and go back to him. this i say mainly coz you said that she is in half mind to go back to him. she would not feel this way if she does not feel that he might change. in case the guy doesnt change, she can leave him and consider divorce. but if she is doubtful abt his capability to change, she shud not go back.

What she actually wants to do is to pursue her own career in fashion...which again hasnt gone down too well with her parents..

if she can take a decision like marriage by herself, she can easily take a decision on her future career and resist parental pressure.



whatever she decides should be firm, well considered and also leave enuf slack for midway modification. no rash decision shud be taken which might make her regret in future. one such major bad decision is more than enuf in life

[Smocking Rock]

Only girls will talk abt guys like this when they experienced this type of situation, I don't think auxiliary_ (line or curve or whatever) had any situation like this.

she fell in love with this guy, got married against her parents wishes and then moved to UK with him

Its always girls who make mistakes and later complain abt them. Why did she trust a guy like him? Is this a 2 day love story.

watches pornos behind her back

Maybe she is not good at it. Discussing sex is always a good solution.





I would suggest that they both should meet up and discuss what went wrong, prioritize them and find a solution.

[san]

Remember somebody saying on a different thread that adults don't change easily...I couldn't agree more. 3 years is ample time to know what a person is like. If it has been unbearable to the extent that she has returned to her parents, it would be wise to stick with that decision. Even if the guy promises to change things will eventually fall back to the way they were and another few years will be gone. Perhaps they both are not compatible so best move on.

[CtrlAltDel]

i dont entirely agree with san. the act of running away from her husband cud also be a decision taken in a fit of emotion after a particularly nasty fight. i feel this way coz truffs mentioned that she feels she might go back to him instead of studying in US. that means she internally feels there is a possibility for change.



i think their problem wud be solved if they consult a marriage councellor or have some trusted person(s) as intermediary.



divorce is never a good decision, unless all means of reconciliation fails.



but if she feels dicorce is the best option, she shud go ahead with that right away. divorce is easier if there are no kids around.

[Smocking Rock]

yes I would also not support san.



Lets consider she took divorce, then what else



she goes to US can she complete her study in loneliness, what if she completes, she needs a partner in her future, this may lead to new relationship with someone else, as I think after divorce there are less chances of anybody listening to parents, as they get the feeling that " I have given enough trouble to my parents................", this will lead to making some more mistakes.



Its always better to discuss. CAD made a good point here marriage councellor or have some trusted person(s) as intermediary can also be a good option.

[Sharjeel]

The only reason for her to go back to her 'ex' is that if she still loves him.



She should go back if:



She still feels a lot of love for him.

Is willing for some compromise and adjustments (and mebbe some heartbreak).

She knows that he will make a sincere effort to make amends.





She should NOT go back:



Just to appease her father

On any kind of hope that he will change overnight (which is possible but very highly improbable).

Because she does not have anything else to do.

[Truffles]

Thanks friends for your comments..



Well..there are some if and buts to the options..



The parents feel she has taken one bad decision and she is suffering..so they are not prepared to let her decide for herself on her career options. Secondly, well, i guess it is more difficult for a girl than a guy to deal with concepts like divorce and the stigma that it carries in our society. She is not prepared to move to the US because she is at the moment very depressed to consider moving to another place where she has rebuild life with new friends esp when she is sort of disillusioned with men and marriage.

Thirdly, she feels uneasy living in her parents home and pursuing her own career interests as she was dependent partly on her husband all this while and to be dependent on her folks without their approval of career choice and also to deal with the several relatives living locally seems to be a problem.

I personally think it is imp. for her to stay with her family atleast for a while so that she recovers and gains in confidence until such time that she is able to take a decision either way. But the problem is convincing her parents..well if all of us had our way with words,,then no one would be left disappointed..but its the right choice of words put across to her hubby and to her parents that would allow her to make the right decision..I wish I knew what the golden words were..????

[CtrlAltDel]

The parents feel she has taken one bad decision and she is suffering..so they are not prepared to let her decide for herself on her career options.

their reaction is understandable, but someone has to tell them its not fair to force her to follw a course of action they have charted out for her.

She is not prepared to move to the US because she is at the moment very depressed to consider moving to another place where she has rebuild life with new friends esp when she is sort of disillusioned with men and marriage.

if that is the reason she is avoiding studying in US, i am sure its momentary. she will definitely feel better once she goes to US and starts rebuilding her life without interference from any relatives. but if she doesnt want to go to US coz she wants to pursue a career she is interested in, i think its better for her to do it here or where ever she feels comfortable.

Thirdly, she feels uneasy living in her parents home and pursuing her own career interests as she was dependent partly on her husband all this while and to be dependent on her folks without their approval of career choice and also to deal with the several relatives living locally seems to be a problem.

as i said above, moving to US is a good option to avoid the guilt of staying with parents and handling well meaning but nosy relatives.
but if she wants to pursue a career in India itself, she has to move out of home or city if possible, and live alone for sometime. she has to convince her parents somehow, to accept her wishes.
she cannot please everybody as well as herself all the time. either listen to her parents, please them and pursue a life she is not interested in OR listen to her own voice, convince her parents if possible and hope her choice works for her and leaves her parents satisfied in future.

but before all this its most important to decide about her husband - divorce him or reconcile. the rest can wait until this problem is solved.
I personally think it is imp. for her to stay with her family atleast for a while so that she recovers and gains in confidence until such time that she is able to take a decision either way. But the problem is convincing her parents..well if all of us had our way with words,,then no one would be left disappointed..but its the right choice of words put across to her hubby and to her parents that would allow her to make the right decision..I wish I knew what the golden words were..????[/quote]

[CtrlAltDel]

...but before all this its most important to decide about her husband - divorce him or reconcile. the rest can wait until this problem is solved.
I personally think it is imp. for her to stay with her family atleast for a while so that she recovers and gains in confidence until such time that she is able to take a decision either way. But the problem is convincing her parents..well if all of us had our way with words,,then no one would be left disappointed..but its the right choice of words put across to her hubby and to her parents that would allow her to make the right decision..I wish I knew what the golden words were..????

[/quote]oops... forgot to delete those lines...^^^

[san]

If we were born with hindsight we would always make the right choices...



It must have taken a lot of courage for your friend to marry the guy of her choice against the wishes of her family...but it must have been even harder for her to decide to leave the guy...



Sometimes things go wrong and it is quite ok. All we can do is learn from the past, not saying our decision making will improve 100% or that things will not go wrong in the future.



Tackling daddy is not going to be easy & there are no magic words. Now that your friend is going through a bad phase she probably doubts her own decisions. Hence the half hearted thought of returning to her husband just to get out of the family situation. She probably still loves the guy or plain used to him by now! In any case a break will do her good. If she is sure about what she wants to do then she must stick with her decision and not let family get her down. Daddy will realise eventually and support her decision. Worst case is that she goes to US. Yes she will have to start afresh all over again but that may be a blessing in disguise!

[Truffles]

Thanks again..I think you have made very valid points.

One of our friends suggested marriage counsellor. I think its good idea.

I have spoken to my friend since and as she has more or less made up her mind now of giving the guy another shot, and he is coming next week to meet her here, she is open to discussing counselling with him...and hope that he does cooperate with her.



Well thanks again..I will keep you posted on the devts later.

[SimarikSmokin]

Hey Truffles:



WHAT FLAVORS DO YOU COME IN?

[Sujatha]

She can convince her husband for studies in US.



After studies are over, she can rejoin him permanatly.



Meantime, In between her studies she can take leave, and meet him yearly once or twice.



But this needs patience.



If successful she can reach both the goals.

[Sujatha]

CORRECTION PLEASE





She can convince both her husband and parents for studies in Fashion science.



After studies are over, she can rejoin him permanatly.



Meantime, In between her studies, she can take leave, and meet him yearly once or twice if it is possible to do so.



But this needs patience.



If successful she can reach both the goals.

[black wizard]

CORRECTION PLEASE


She can convince both her husband and parents for studies in Fashion science.

After studies are over, she can rejoin him permanatly.

Meantime, In between her studies, she can take leave, and meet him yearly once or twice if it is possible to do so.

But this needs patience.

If successful she can reach both the goals.

Haan haan theek hai theek hai

[Truffles]

Hey Truffles:



WHAT FLAVORS DO YOU COME IN?



Re- Well the flavors of my life dear. Amaretto, Cinnamon & Aniseed- Nutty & smoky while starting, spicy while going, and an after taste to leave behind when ending.

Like them Samariksmokin?

[Kavita]

Hi Truffles,



I have been in similar situations in my recent past. I thought I would give my opinion.



Change of place definitely will do a lot of good to her, in gaining her confidence back. Be it US or any other city in India. Its better if she has some one there to give her moral support. It could be her friend or a relative, some one.



Its good that she wants to start a career of her choice but dont u think to be successfull she will have to concentrate and work hard. Will she be able to put those efforts now, I mean at this pahse of life? She can still pursue a career of her interest after finishing her education in US. This will bring her the required change in her surroundings too.



And I dont think divorce is the solution. Even after divorce life is uncertain as it is now. As she still has some hope and that too her her life partner was of her choice, it would be good to give it a last try BUT if she is going to give her husband a chance, it should be only after she is financially independent or atleast she should very soon become independent. This is very very important as thing will no longer be the same this time.



A proper talk would resolve lot of issues.

[CtrlAltDel]

Hey Truffles:

WHAT FLAVORS DO YOU COME IN?

:? u wanna 'eat' him SS

[SimarikSmokin]

Uh no she is a She and i was asking a question which she didn't answer back to. Not a huge chocolate fan but i do love Truffles from godiva

[Truffles]

Uh no she is a She and i was asking a question which she didn't answer back to. Not a huge chocolate fan but i do love Truffles from godiva

Im a HE and I have replied back..

[Truffles]

[quote="Kavita"]Hi Truffles,



I have been in similar situations in my recent past. I thought I would give my opinion.





Thanks Kavita,

Well you said you been in a similar situation..have you successfully come out of it? Is life all fine and dandy now?

[SimarikSmokin]

Ok so what flavors do u come in? i have senstive teeth so i can't have chocolate