Arranged Marriage...what a mess

[Jay]

hey guys....

I thought i will float up a discuusion about arranged marriage....i am gonna be in the soup soon...which i never wanted to...but i guess didnt find any1 great....but i hate arranged marriages...in terms of how you choose the right one...i have these questions...



1) what the best way to meet the girl....i hate pelli chupulu i think its the most embarrasing part of this process...i think its absolutely ridiculous..

2) Is there a way i can talk to her for sometime before i make my decision ...she can do the same....too...

3) How can we leave make the decision in a few days...afterall its the most important decision i will be making...



If i think about this i get sick and so i will stop thinking...i wanted to know what u guys think...i wanted to know how girls think about this and do they have the same questions???



hope to see ur replies

[JustaLittleUnwell]

A valid topic for discussion, though I'm not impressed with the questions raised.......... (how do i meet her etc etc)



I'm amazed by the extent to which this phenomenon of arranged marriage (AM) is prevalent in our society. Why is it that Indians who are grown up enough to be financially independent and educated enough to make sensible decisions, dont trust themselves when it comes to finding and choosing a life partner? For all you know, they maybe taking decisions while at work, that may impact the future of corporations. Why do we still look upto our parents long after we are old enough to look after ourselves?



And the mummies n daddies out here - why do you still believe in exercising control over your grown up offsprings, when they should have stopped needing you a long time ago?

[Five7Jaan]

Well, here's my point of view:



1. I dislike "pelli chupulu" too, but you have to understand - You cannot marry someone without meeting them if you are, in fact, getting an AM!



2. How can you beat yourself up just because you haven't found anyone great? Maybe this girl will be the 'one'. Like I believe, you need the right attitude or in the end you will sour the relationship.



3. Of course you can talk with the girl. Nobody expects you not to!



4. You can talk to your parents and ask them to reach you halfway to give you some more time or you can help out [your parents] through this process of finding yourself a bride, so you are comfortable with it.



5. What do you mean what's the best way to meet a girl? Seems like you want to meet a girl right now and getting married to her, so you would not deal with the AM issue! Keep a cool head and don't do anything you might regret later



-Five7Jaan

[jay]

I partially agree with FIVE7 and JUSTA....

its not that we cannot choose a girl ourselves....its a cultural trend i guess...I had a couple of GF's and at one point of time I thought were the right ones...but things didnt reallywork out...and now i really dont have the patience to go looking....i guess these things shud happen naturally...



So getting back to AM, we cannot buy too much time from the girls side...a week or maybe 2 weeks...i can circumvent the Pelli chupulu by asking everyone to stop by a restaurant ...



But the bottom line how much can you know about a person in 2 maybe 4 weeks and make the executive decision. Againn the girl shud also feel the same way...i think its tough...



My folks back in India are kind of conservative and so i really cannot go too much against them and at this stage i dont want to hurt them too...



ideally i wanna meet the girl in a comfortable environment. keep talking to her for sometime and then if both of us are fine ..then go ahead with the decision...but I am not sure if that can happen.

more later

[asli_badmash]

I partially agree with FIVE7 and JUSTA....
its not that we cannot choose a girl ourselves....its a cultural trend i guess...I had a couple of GF's and at one point of time I thought were the right ones...but things didnt reallywork out...and now i really dont have the patience to go looking....i guess these things shud happen naturally...

You don’t have the patience to make it happen and yet you want things to happen. Kya ladkiyaan jhaad pe lagte kya? So when they ripen they fall right into your pocket.

You have to work for it. Nothing comes for free. Maybe you need to take a break and get back at it later. Or maybe you are not really over your prior commitments/attachments. Think about it.

People don’t want to try because they think they will get hurt emotionally. But if you are not willing to risk it, how would you taste the sweet rewards. Life comes only to the brave, so go out there and grab it.

Go do Pelli chupullu with 1000 girls, everyday it would be like free lunch or dinner for the next 3 years, if you check out a girl everyday. Convince your mother that she doesn’t have to cook dinner ever for three years. Hahahahah! So finally when you marry you can actually say, hazaroon mein ek chuna mere biwi ko. I am sure she would be proud. (Just kidding…)

So getting back to AM, we cannot buy too much time from the girls side...a week or maybe 2 weeks...i can circumvent the Pelli chupulu by asking everyone to stop by a restaurant ...

But the bottom line how much can you know about a person in 2 maybe 4 weeks and make the executive decision. Againn the girl shud also feel the same way...i think its tough... My folks back in India are kind of conservative and so i really cannot go too much against them and at this stage i dont want to hurt them too...

There is no keenda line(bottom line..)… meeda line( upper line) there is only choice. As Neo says in Matrix, “The problem is choice”. You have to make a choice, keeping yourself in mind, while giving fair weight to what your parents think. Think about it this way, do you think your parents are being fair to you by asking you to marry someone in the time frame of 2 weeks. Do you thinks that is fair. Learn to negotiate with your parents. They are mature people, you are their son and they would understand.

ideally i wanna meet the girl in a comfortable environment. keep talking to her for sometime and then if both of us are fine ..then go ahead with the decision...but I am not sure if that can happen.
more later

Work with the girl and if she is mature and understanding she will cooperate, she is investing as much or more than you are investing. So me thinks she will go for it.



All in all think positive. Be cool. Dont panic.



~Badmash~

[Happy Hyderabadi]

Better AM than PM ... (Post Marriage regrets / affairs / etc)

The System accepts AM as a way to propogate itself, so say:

"Yes" to the System

The AM is the least intrusive of our allowed Excursions between Boy & Girl.

Any way keep eyes "full open" before the M and half shut or full shut afterwards.

Wish You All the Best of PC ... (Pelli Chupulu)

[JustaLittleUnwell]

I guess I raised my questions at the wrong place and at the wrong time (I hope not 'wrong century'). Please proceed with your marriage factories folks...... sorry for the interruption :)

[azazel]

we are aaal mummy-daddy burger boyz..

[CtrlAltDel]

as a matter of belief, i am oppossed to the very concept of Arranged Marriage. But i still say that it has it advantages. And disadvantages too.



Personally, i've chosen my own wife, who is of different caste n language, and i've been married to her since almost 4 years.



Only we know what all we had to go thru 2 convince our parents...and finally succeeded!



but one thing is sure...i'll not encourage my son (he's just 8 months now!) to go for an arranged marriage...i cant see myself "hunting" a girl for him, horoscopes in hand!



i only advise that do not go into an AM just coz your parents want you to even tho u might have better ideas. if u r financially independent, u better have the guts to convince your parents respectfully.



if u feel u have better things to do than chase girls, only then is Arranged Marriage for you.

[JustaLittleUnwell]

if u feel u have better things to do than chase girls, only then is Arranged Marriage for you.

Ctrl-bhai, agree with everything that you say, except the above. IMO, if someone thinks he/she has got better things to do than chase girls/boys, marriage is not for him/her. Let the person pursue those 'better things' and not ruin another person's life as well as his/her own.

[CtrlAltDel]

Ctrl-bhai, agree with everything that you say, except the above. IMO, if someone thinks he/she has got better things to do than chase girls/boys, marriage is not for him/her. Let the person pursue those 'better things' and not ruin another person's life as well as his/her own.

TOUCHE...

[Johnny]

Hey all... Jay bhai.. i somehow dont really agree with ur view that arranged marriage is a big "NO". ( ofcourse its ur personal choice..)

AM has been working for ages and majority of the society we live in has survived on AM. Who else can u trust better than ur parents...?

But AM like any other damn thing surely does have its own disadvantages....



Personally i am not against any form of marriage. AM or LM both are quite acceptable for me. I think there is something called as destiny, and i am destined to be with someone. I might meet her in a serendipity and then love her before marrying her, or i can meet her in "pelli chupulu" and then realise shes the one. So ultimately it all boils down to one's destiny.



but the problem with arranged marriage is ur miss out on girls outside ur caste he he he..

recently a strange thing happened to me... my parents were so much worried dat i wud fall for someone outside my caste, that they decided to sorta get me hooked up with a girl ( u know a sorta Arranged Dating ), so that i dont fall for any other girl. I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MOM n DAD

Infact they also selected the girl. She was awesome, nevertheless i didnt mind dating her but then, they backed out when they found out that the girl is elder to me.. ( ofcourse i didnt have any problem though :d)



i strongly disagree with ctrlaltdel that AM is only for people who have better things to do in life than going behind girls. I think AM is for people who have the guts to accept fate and not settle for any girl out of desperation (no offence meant)



I AiNt KuRt KoBaIn, BuT I HaTe MaSeLf...

Johnny

[CtrlAltDel]

I think AM is for people who have the guts to accept fate and not settle for any girl out of desperation

that wud hold true abt a few decades ago when AM was the 'Proper' thing to do and LM was frowned upon. Everybody learnt to accept their fate like 'good' children of their parents.



That worked fine until the people started thinking differently. Now there is every opportunity to find the perfect spouse for yourself and LM is no longer frowned upon by everybody.



Inspite of this, these days if an individual opts for arranged marriage it has to be for one of the following reasons:



1 ) Opinionated AGAINST the concept of LM...maybe seen some failed LMs

2 ) Traditional mindset - belief in the 'proper' method

3 ) Too shy to approach the opposite sex...maybe brot up that way from childhood.

4 ) Too scared to convince parents in this regard...autocratic parents.

5 ) Emotional blackmail from parents...'over my dead-body' and all those filmy statements...and when mom pretends to faint/take ill...very easy if the subject is "mama's boy" or "daddy's girl"...

6 ) Financial dependence on parents...scared of getting 'cut-off' from family's business, wealth or property.

7 ) "What-will-OTHERS-say" syndrome,

8 ) "FAT DOWRY"...possible in arranged marriages only.

9 ) the matched arranged to a wealthy family...or a US green card holder.



i was able to compile the above list coz i observed examples of all of it among my relatives, friends n aquaintances. there cud be more reasons, but haven't seen em yet.



about first 3 points, i can understand their choice of AM, but i can never agree with people using reasons #4 onwards, esp if they enjoy with a boyfriend/girlfriend and promise commitment etc, but end up going for an arranged marriage for those reasons. I have seen these things happen.

[Happy Hyderabadi]

CAD: "... abt a few decades ago ... AM was the 'Proper' thing to do and LM was frowned upon. Everybody learnt to accept their fate like 'good' children of their parents. "



Half a Century ago, an Uncle of mine went South for the IAS Exam ... He saw his LP (Life Partner, would be) in a City Bus ... An unheard Case of LAFS (Love At First Sight!) inthose Days ... The Marriage had to be ARRANGED / AGREED / ACCEPTED in spite of the Bride belonging to a different subsect in the Caste (and "Horror of Horrors" of the same Gothram) ... The Marriage went from Success to Success yielding Four Sons all settled Abroad ...

That was Half-a-Century ago!

Now any Union between any consenting Male & Female of the Species is acceptable / permissible!

[CtrlAltDel]

Half a Century ago, an Uncle of mine went South for the IAS Exam ... He saw his LP (Life Partner, would be) in a City Bus ... An unheard Case of LAFS (Love At First Sight!) inthose Days ... The Marriage had to be ARRANGED / AGREED / ACCEPTED in spite of the Bride belonging to a different subsect in the Caste (and "Horror of Horrors" of the same Gothram) ... The Marriage went from Success to Success yielding Four Sons all settled Abroad ...
That was Half-a-Century ago!

WOW!



Hats off to him! He shud be the role model for the youth 2day!

[Johnny]

Inspite of this, these days if an individual opts for arranged marriage it has to be for one of the following reasons:



1 ) Opinionated AGAINST the concept of LM...maybe seen some failed LMs

2 ) Traditional mindset - belief in the 'proper' method

3 ) Too shy to approach the opposite sex...maybe brot up that way from childhood.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^



Hey ctrl dude.. the above 3 points u mentioned are acceptable for me too... But now before i say anything more... lemme mention dat i dont have anything against LM (infact i prefer one myself and m gonna do it too). My point here is AM is not bad at all. Picture this : if u cannot find your real soulmate through love, instead of going for a compromise and chosing some girl out of just sheer desperation or disinterest in AM is as bad as going for AM just for the dowry et al.... right?

[Hyderabadi not in hyd]

Hello everyone.....

about this whole arranged marriage issue....dont u think you all are taking this too seriously??

isn't it something in our culture that will never go away?

I think it is merely an opinion of which way you want to go.

If you don't know ....isn't it best to leave it to your parents...rather than trying to figuire out ways to take a girl on date..and worrying your head over it.

If you look in some ways....arranged marriages aren't that bad...

__at least thats what i think....

accually my sister just got married (AM) like 4 months ago. and she is happy....and i mean...it just flowsssssssssss

i dont think u need to worry too much abou this...although this might be one of the most important decisions you will make in your life..(or your parents made it for you)...

i agree with the person who said its in your destiny....

[azazel]

IMO, both AM/LM work out but its not all happily-ever-after in either of them.. one has to make em work out..

ive seen all my sisters [own+cuz] go thru AM n in all but 2 cases, it has been a good one.. LM, i think isnt all rosy, u still have to make it work..

do what u feel comfortable with .. personal choice more than nething..

[Happy Hyderabadi]

Note the Caution: "Every woman MUST marry; no man SHOULD marry!"

M is as risky as crossing the road ... one may get hit ...

A / L / P help reduce the risk:

- A helps by ensuring acceptability of the Families on both sides

- L helps acceptability and adjustment ability of the interested LPs

- P demands maturity and discovery by both the LPs their "Surprises" and "Strengths" in the Life Venture



The focus should be more on how of the M:

- Traditional, with all the pomp and glory

- Regtistration, meeting with civic requirements, gaining popularity

All depending upon Affordability.

[CtrlAltDel]

most people feel LMs dont work out since everyone notices an LM breaking up...but no one talks abt numerous LMs that do succeed.



inverse for AMs- no one talks of failed AMs...tho bad things like wife-beatings, bride burnings etc all happen largely in AMs only. also the fact that many AMs dont break up coz divorce is a taboo and (usually) the wife ends up suffering in silence and is glorified as an example to follow...



for AM or LM to succeed there has to be understanding between the two and very importantly, non-interference by elders and rest of the great indian joint family.

[sonny]

most people feel LMs dont work out since everyone notices an LM breaking up...but no one talks abt numerous LMs that do succeed.

inverse for AMs- no one talks of failed AMs...tho bad things like wife-beatings, bride burnings etc all happen largely in AMs only. also the fact that many AMs dont break up coz divorce is a taboo and (usually) the wife ends up suffering in silence and is glorified as an example to follow...

for AM or LM to succeed there has to be understanding between the two and very importantly, non-interference by elders and rest of the great indian joint family.

Cmon , I dont agree with u that women are the only sufferers in the AM's.

Men are too!

Dont genaralize ur opinions.

And i think that AM's are bull shit! it dosent make any sense to get married to somebody that u dont know.

[mysterious babe]

I had read something long ago it goes like"God let me love the person i marry and not marry the person i love" and i think its quite true. be it AM or LM its so imp for love to b there in the marragie. At tiems even in LM after some time love just flies out of the window.every marragie has its ups and downs , how the couple handles it is more important. some time back even i used to think taht AM r no good. how can u get marreid to a person u just dont know. But then thats a concious decision u make and u need to stand by it right. In a LM at times u have given so much to the relation b4 marraige and after taht ,at times it just dosent work. mayb the seven year itch .... . I have seen couples AM who r quite happy. may b in AM u dont really expect much u take things as they come but in LM u have lots of expectations and when the other person dosent live upto those expectations frustration creeps in.

[CtrlAltDel]

Cmon , I dont agree with u that women are the only sufferers in the AM's.Men are too!Dont genaralize ur opinions.

i didnt say women r the only sufferers in AMs. but we cannot deny that in most cases where AMs have gone sour, the man is able to carry on with his life but women (and their parents) are made to suffer by society. this fear is what that keeps women locked in a bad marriage, even tho the best thing wud be to show her husband the finger and walk away.

ok..its not easy for most men too, but society does not make them feel they've committed an error.

And i think that AM's are bull shit! it dosent make any sense to get married to somebody that u dont know.

i wont go as far as saying its bullshit, but my opinion is also similar. i just cant imagine sleeping with someone i do not know.

AMs have been succeeding since centuries and we cannot just discount them as useless. my parents had an AM, yet i find them extremely understanding abt each other that i wonder if my wife and i cud ever be so...(btw, i had an LM)

LM u have lots of expectations and when the other person dosent live upto those expectations frustration creeps in

yes, this is the most common reasons why LM fails, esp LMs that happen in a relatively short time after meeting each other first time. everybody shows only their best side in courtship and the reality wud sink in only after marriage (true in AMs too). LMs largely succeed only if allowed to mature for a long time so that the partners use the opportunity to know and study each other.

[hyderabadi not in hyd]

(Dont genaralize ur opinions.)-said sonny



Dude what the hell is a discussion without expressing individual opinion and persuasion?

[ZC]

therez no difference between love and arranged marriage except that the parents ego hurts. i guy/gal say, they are in love, but actually its 1.) body chemistry 2.) they think abt financial status of the other (plz dont talk of cinema live) 3.) social skills etc etc, all these are observed by parents (point 1: u agree after pelli chupulu) in AM and the couple in LM......whatz the difference....no difference. u may say, in LM u get to know each other better, again thats bull shit, u never get to know the other better.........not if u live together for 50 yrs its all abt compromising