Rules for Men from Women

[Five7Jaan]

So, you've read the other discussion board with the men's rules, this is the other side.

50 RULES MEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

[Also, if the other sistas know any others, feel free to add on!]



1. If we ask 'Do I look fat in this' the safest answer is 'no, but I really like that little black dress you wore last Saturday'. Our self-esteem is dented by waif-like super models - women want to feel good about themselves.

2. The safest present is not sexy lingerie. If you get turned on by it, wear it yourself.

3. Learn how to operate toilets. Clue: the little lever or the chain is used to flush the darn thing.

4. Birthdays, Anniversaries etc are perfect times to demonstrate your skill at hunting. And no, a new car battery or a Black & Decker do not count.

5. Sometimes questions are not questions. We like to think out loud.

6. Mostly we're not thinking about you. About clothes, shoes, make-up, shopping or pop stars with cute asses maybe. But not you. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are interested in these topics.

7. Saturday = shopping. Ditto Sunday morning. Ditto weekday lunchtimes. We shop therefore we are. After all, it's not a task we trust men to do.

8. A Chinese takeaway and a six pack of lager is not our idea of a romantic evening in.

9. Women are allowed to use PMS as an excuse for anything up to and including murder. Any man who suggests our bad moods are due to PMS is being patronising. Our bad moods are due to men.

10. Shopping is a sport. To be precise it is a bloodsport.

11. Women's desire to consume is due to evolution - it is complementary to man's hunting instinct. How else do we demonstrate appreciation of your ability to provide for us?

12. Size matters. Especially the size of your paycheck.

13. Women will have enough clothes the day that shops stop stocking new fashions.

14. Animals moult or shed their skins - women purchase a seasonal wardrobe. Recycling from last year/season/yesterday is not an option.

15. Learn to understand subtle hints. We use them to avoid damaging the fragile male ego.

16. When we say '<whatever> needs doing' we mean it needs doing NOW.

17. We understand that men have difficulty targeting the toilet, especially after 6 cans of lager, but we don't understand why they can't use the darn loo roll to wipe up afterwards.

18. Women dress to please men. Their own men, men in the street, the gas meter reader, whoever. When asked for your views on an outfit, you are being given the status of an art critic.

19. If you can't say something nice, at least be gentle when saying something unpalatable. We value your opinions, but not your forthrightness.

20. If you don't like our new perms/hairstyles, the correct approach is 'What happened to the lovely hat you bought last week?' not 'How long before it grows out?' or some joke about lawnmowers.

21. Don't be scared to go beyond yes or no when answering questions. Be prepared to justify your answers. Develop verbal reasoning skills beyond monosyllables.

22. Women can think about three things simultaneously. We've evolved that way because we know that men can rarely think about one thing coherently for prolonged periods of time (>2 minutes).

23. A 2 week headache is caused by male poor performance 2 weeks and 1 night ago - or by denying access to your credit card. The solution is in your hands.

24. Your mate is not a surrogate mother. Nor does she need training from your mother. Either adapt to new house-rules or move back to mom.

25. Faking it means you finish quicker. Sometimes the experience is not worth prolonging. The solution is in your hands - and if you can't learn good techniques it will remain in your hands.

26. After shaving, try removing the soapy scum from the basin before it sets rock hard.

27. We know men ogle. Women ogle as well - but we try to be discreet so you don't feel threatened or insecure.

28. When we ask you to perform a task, we don't expect to have to re-train you every single time you do the same task. Learn from experience.

29. If you must pass wind in bed, there's no need to flap the duvet afterwards. And passing wind when getting a blow job ruins future opportunities.

30. Christopher Columbus was not heading for America when he discovered it. If he'd had directions, he wouldn't have ended up in some undiscovered hinterland - he'd have reached his intended destination and in only half the time.



Disclaimer: We reserve the right to change the rules anytime, anywhere, however we want for whomever we need to.



-Five7Jaan

[Five7Jaan]

Sorry, it did not cut and paste properly.



31. Call. (Brush offs on her home answer machine when she's at work are for wimps.)

32. Never tape any of her body parts together. (And don't even think about her lips.)

33. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

34. The correct answer to, "Do I look fat?," is never, ever "Yes."

35. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

36. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

37. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

38. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

39. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. 40. Her cooking is excellent...This isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

41. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

42. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with, "Nobody," is never going to end that conversation.

43. Two words: clean socks.

44. You're sorry...and then you're wrong! Not acceptable under any terms.

45. Don't assume PMS is the figment of her imagination or the cause for every bad mood.

46. "No" means No. "Yes" means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

47. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

48. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like complete jerk until she does it for you.

49. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

50. Don't lie. (Romantic embellishments are encouraged, however.)



-Five7Jaan

[Mayavi Morpheus]

2 and 35 are contradictory dont u think?

[Five7Jaan]

2 and 35 are contradictory dont u think?

No, the safest present is not buying lingerie [there is not an absolute rule against it] but when you are buying it, Secret is preferred.

Is it still confusing?



-Five7Jaan

[Portuguese Man-Of-War]

What does Five7jaan mean?

[Five7Jaan]

What does Five7jaan mean?

, what a refreshing question to this forum.



I am 5' 7" tall babe and I wanted that in milder terms, hence a 'jaan'.



-Five7Jaan



P.S. Quem sois vos, Portugal?

[aint this cute?]

wow ! a refreshing topic ! Fun too,even though I was the one that posted the Men's rules waala topic( jaanedo samjjhkar), being a woman, I find these funny.. lets see how 'the guys' would react to these, 5'7jaan..

[azazel]

Too long, didnt read..

no use also, having read the disclaimer

[SpyGlass]

Refreshing ?! how refreshing ?! ... i dont know... is this is just a recent feature of fullhyd bulleting boards or have the men and women here been suabbling forever! mebbe if we get over this men Vs. women debates , we'll finally have some real discussions here.



ok the rules ... mostly don't agree. (now, have this eeiry feeling they're conspiring against me in the sorority ) .

but

no 30. was hillarious... proves such good points.

no. 9. is great i'm writing it down in case i need to use it someday...mebbe in court.

no. 6. I like .

[asli_badmash]

wow ! a refreshing topic ! Fun too,even though I was the one that posted the Men's rules waala topic( jaanedo samjjhkar), being a woman, I find these funny.. lets see how 'the guys' would react to these, 5'7jaan..

And the guys will reacts... Here’s my two cents.



From point (1) - You want us to LIE, maybe we like fat chicks!



From point (2) - You dont want to wear lingrie, we dont want to have 6 pack abs. Deal ?



From point (3) - Men invented toilets, we wrote the manual, we want you to learn it well, so shut up and flush.



From point (4) - On the contrary, the new battery is what got you to that shopping store in time to get the special deal and the black&decker power tool is what helps us save on labour, so you can blow the savings on shopping. So stop whining and learn to appreciate what we do.



From point (5) - When you do think aloud and we have a good answer, this is what you say to take the question back.



From point (6) - Neither are we thinking about you. Before we married you, we had our fantasy wife and we choose to give you that place just for sex.



From point (7) - For a change try to earn what you spend.



From point (8) - I agree.



From point (9) – God gave you PMS, my only beef is why 5 days, why not just 5 minutes.



From point (10) – Shopping is a blood-sport. Yes, it is in your blood and we want out, don’t drag us into your bouts.



From point (11) – Dont consume too much, greed is bad.



From point (12) – Size does matters. You want a bigger paycheck, think about augmenting certain physical features. You know what I am talking about.



From point (13 & 14) – Earn the shit you spend, we do... what is your problem!



From point (15) – Few subtle hints = good, many subtle hints = nag. So stop nagging and say what you have to.



From point (16) – Learn <Sex Now> means now, not tomorrow or on the weekends.



From point (17) – Loo roll is for sissy’s; also we want you to get a whiff of our natural pheromones a.ka. Body odors.



From point (18) – If we are an art critic, don’t ask us to lie (point 1) and take what we say as constructive criticism.



From point (19) – You are asking us to lie.



From point (20) – If the hairstyle looks like uncut grass we will mow it down, either with jokes or the God Damn lawn mower.



From point (21) – Good point, will help us with politics in office.



From point (22) – If we don’t think about things for more than 2 minutes its because we don’t dilly dally and are decisive, women dwell on a topic because they have a hard time letting go or making up their mind, (for example shopping).



From point (23) – I didn’t know credit cards replaced the vibrators. I fail to see how. I mean really… It would hurt.



From point (24) – On similar lines a home is not a hotel, where your mother or your family can check in any time they like. You want to see them go visit them and come back at night, we need you at home for you know what.



From point (25) – Faking it does not mean we finish quicker it just means you have problem coming. Get yourself fixed.



From point (26) – The soap crud becoming hard on the basin is a pointer that we need to shave. So stop messing with our clocks.



From point (27) – We know you ogle, that is why we suck in our stomachs and act all cool around you. And that is the reason why women stick their butts and boobs out when they pass a group of men. Don’t deny it you have done it right?



From point (28) – We are creative creatures and we like to take pride in doing the same task a new way every time. So you learn and appreciate.



From point (29) – If we flap the duvet it is to send the natural pheromones your way and maybe interest you for a round of the down and dirty. Hahahah!



From point (30) – Christopher Columbus wanted to go to India, but as he sailed he forgot to include women on board. He didn’t have sex for 4 months and lost his way. So if you want us to take you to the right place in time, offer us some sex, that makes us think better. If we forget our way, suggest that we stop for a quickie in the motel, that would fix everything.



From point (31) – A brush off on home answer machines is a SUBTLE HINT. When we do that we are just obeying your point (15).



From point (32) – If I could tape shut anything on a woman. It would be the mouth, rest should all be open at all times.



From point (33) – Guys night out is for Guys, if you like beer and porn you would have come on your own.



From Point (34) – Same as point (1), you want us to lie.



From point (35) – Contradictions in point (2) and (35). But who cares as long as you wear one.



From point (36) – Agreed.. but after we order for you can we ask for some nookie.



From point (37) – Agreed.



From point (38) – If grunt is now answer, so is silence not an answer to what went wrong.



From point (39) – All our exes were prettier, nicer and sexier; we just don’t know why we married you.



From point (40) – If you are not working then maybe you should be cooking.



From point (41) – Headache is no answer for avoiding sex.



From point (42) – The "Nobody" is just the other prettier, sexier ex. That is why “Nobody” is the perfect answer. So shut-up and appreciate the "NOBODY" answer.



From point (43) – Two words – More Sex. It fixes everything.



From point (44) – This just goes to prove there is no pleasing women. So Men whatever you do never say you are wrong cause you will be sorry later anyway.



From point (45) – Oh yeah… PMS exists and that is the reason why we have two homes. A regular home where you live and the home we go to when you have PMS.



From point (46) – Totally unfair.



From point (47) – Shopping and Sex are not mutually exclusive.



From point (48) – When we don’t break up with you and act like jerks we want you know we learned the power of SUBTLE HINTS and we want you to know how it feels.



From point (49) – Don’t avoid sex, have sex if you want it and offer it even if you don’t want it. Often. We will love you for it. Get it!



From point (50) – When we tell you your are fat, we are just embellishing the truth, maybe we like fat chicks. So go with it and don’t expect anything more.



Damn I have too much time on my hand.. But, it was all worth it. Lets see the girls take this !



~Badmash~

[asli_badmash]

Refreshing ?! how refreshing ?! ... i dont know... is this is just a recent feature of fullhyd bulleting boards or have the men and women here been suabbling forever! mebbe if we get over this men Vs. women debates , we'll finally have some real discussions here.

This playful banter is what brings spice in life, whats the fun in agreeing to everything.



Life is a series of moments and some times petty squabbling is what what makes it all worth it. Its a known fact the playing (either verbally or physically) makes bonds stronger.



Just know that you shouldnt let it out of hand. It is what it is, playful banter. It is all fun. We all know we are not like this when we are oursleves.



~Badmash~

[Mayavi Morpheus]

I only read the first few in the two posts. Only 2 and 35 interested me 'cos I almost made the mistake few days back.

IMO men dont need to know these rules as long as we know how to tackle situations. And why is greeting cards and floral shops a booming business? But it always helps if the girl is 'deewani' abt u and not vice versa. Cant say much abt later case.

Just my do paisa.

[azazel]

Damn I have too much time on my hand.. But, it was all worth it. Lets see the girls take this !
~Badmash~

Damn right, u have too much time .. but it was a fitting reply

say wat gurls?

[Five7Jaan]

Whoa, wait a sec here!

Asli hon, you were asked a reaction [as in a generic answer] not a lecture and counter point to all the 50 Rules list! Oy! Since you have too much time on your hands, maybe you need to try a hand at politics, you have great argumentative skills. Lol.



SpyGlass, dude. This was just something I got in mail and wanted to put it out because the guys put up their rules on the other forum.

It is "playful banter" and not a squabble. Yes, we do conspire against you guys in the sisterhood.



Azazel, if you only read the disclaimer, then there is no point in pursuing a reaction from the girls because of Asli's two cents, is there? We can, are and will change the rules on you.



aint this cute?, for next time its Five7Jaan, ok? Thanks! Shall I assume you were under the mask of "Portuguese Man-of-War"?



-Five7Jaan

[SpyGlass]

Five7Jaan,

Dudette here ... thats why so much concern over sorority conspiracy .



Asli dude ,

Get a life ! learn from azazel. he figured the joke. BTW have u heard the pink pingpong ball joke before... absolute waste of time

[Five7Jaan]

Five7Jaan,
Dudette here ... thats why so much concern over sorority conspiracy .

hahahaha....



-Fiva7Jaan

[asli_badmash]

Whoa, wait a sec here!
Asli hon, you were asked a reaction [as in a generic answer] not a lecture and counter point to all the 50 Rules list! Oy! Since you have too much time on your hands, maybe you need to try a hand at politics, you have great argumentative skills. Lol.

Thanks and maybe I will give Babu a call and see if he is accepting application for his right hand. He uses his left for R rated stuff which I don’t want to talk about, specially with little girls around. You know who I am talking about. Right!

Azazel, if you only read the disclaimer, then there is no point in pursuing a reaction from the girls because of Asli's two cents, is there? We can, are and will change the rules on you.

Unfair. But my motto is “Love ke liye kuch bhi karega”.

2 cents? There isn’t, but I saw a $2 note. Did you know they exist? and they are legal.

Asli dude , Get a life !

SpyGlass, since you already judged that I don’t have a life; Why don’t you make mine! What say? I am taking applications…



Thanks Azazel. It was quite a learning experience. Now, I can safely say I know 50 gotchas out of the bag called "Women Tricks". I am figuring these creatures out. But is there ever a time when we can comprehend the women kind. I doubt it! Sometimes they dont understand themselves.



~Badmash~

[Portuguese Man-Of-War]

What does Five7jaan mean?

, what a refreshing question to this forum.

I am 5' 7" tall babe and I wanted that in milder terms, hence a 'jaan'.

-Five7Jaan

P.S. Quem sois vos, Portugal?

Huh? I presume that meant either who I am, or what I do, or where I am from, or something like that... Well, here goes:



I am a 100% original, aboriginal Portuguese Man-Of-War. I rise at 3am, brush with neem, then clad myself in birch leaves and go hunting for virgin antelopes for the clan rituals. Upon return, as dawn sets in, I whip myself 23 times (24 times on weekends and national holidays) with industrial strength Kevlar-fortified lashes, then take the blood oozing from my flaggelated hide, pour it into the small intestine of the antelope, and offer that as oblation to revered Gumba Golgumba, Lord Of The Dark World. Then I tear a handful of hair off my scalp, set it afire, burn the eye of a female toad with it, and collect the ashes in the skin of a 5-day-old boa constrictor. This I smear on my forehead, and then set upon the Holy Mission of scouring the streets of the city combing for anti-Zionists, who I will then sacrifice to revered Gumba Golgumba (Lord Of The Dark World) on the 13th day of the Lunar Fortnight. The sacrificial process is detailed and beyond the scope of this abstract, but it involves pregnant eels, the retina of a congenitally-blind octopus, a 22-day fast which is broken by swallowing a live coal, and complete surrender to revered Gumba Golgumba (Lord Of The Dark World).



As you can see, pretty demanding, though it's debatable that it's more fun than being a 5' 7" babe (er, jaan). I mean, more of that kind seem to have a fan following, though we do all the hard work .

[azazel]

the female form can never be understood or satisfied, IMHO

Created from the rib of the man, try to straighten/bend em too much, they'll break. u can only try to keep em as 'teda' as they already are

[Portuguese Man-Of-War]

Shall I assume you were under the mask of "Portuguese Man-of-War"?

-Five7Jaan

No! I am 100% original! (And, yes, aboriginal!)

[Five7Jaan]

P.S. Quem sois vos, Portugal?>> Quem sois vos means Who are you? You should know original and aboriginal Portugal.

And, you have a good sense of humor....hahahha....

For answering the above question so eloquently...Muito Obrigado!



-Five7Jaan

[azazel]

P.S. Quem sois vos, Portugal?>> Quem sois vos means Who are you? You should know original and aboriginal Portugal
-Five7Jaan

maybe they use sign language

[SpyGlass]

SpyGlass, since you already judged that I don’t have a life; Why don’t you make mine! What say? I am taking applications…

Sorry, Asli...not into doing social service . unless ofcourse u want to prove ur worth .

aboriginal Portuguese

Ok so aborgini's are portugese ... then it must be the akagora tribes who are native to australia ...or i'm lost ... no wonder i flunked geography .



Five7jaan, ain't this cute mentioned on this board she's female too. Portugese man of war is screaming he's a man! what made u think they are the same people !!! just curious.Though i think that was just the kind of window PWoM was looking for to start rattling off about how tough his days are ... show off !

[asli_badmash]

Sorry, Asli...not into doing social service . unless ofcourse u want to prove ur worth .

Prove my worth? Lady, I am all that and a bag of chips! Dont go there, girl... UmmmHmmm. (I dont know what that means, it just sounds cool.) Anyway, I cant prove my worth until you decide to give me a chance...

Ok so aborgini's are portugese ... then it must be the akagora tribes who are native to australia ...or i'm lost ... no wonder i flunked geography .

You are right SpyGlass... Aborigini's are Australian Native Bush People. Your bhugol(geography in hindi) might be sad... BUT You are pretty good with the G.K.



I know what you all might be thinking.. No President Bush is not an Aborigini. (For the ones who didnt make the connection; BUSH people and Mr.BUSH can you see the connection.)



~Badmash~

[Five7Jaan]

Five7jaan, ain't this cute mentioned on this board she's female too. Portugese man of war is screaming he's a man! what made u think they are the same people !!!

I have no idea...I think I first assumed aint this cute? was a guy putting up the men rules...

Does being sick since yesterday count as an excuse?



My apologies,



-Five7Jaan